AITA for confronting my husband after finding a second phone full of flirty Reddit and email messages?

I found my husband's old phone and discovered a second Reddit and email account with sexual messages and flirting. He lied about it, deleted the accounts, and now I feel betrayed and stuck—I'm seven months postpartum, isolated, and living with his family.

We’ve been together almost 12 years and married nearly 10. I had our son in March and I’m seven months postpartum, struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety. I see a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist for medication. Jax (29M) has been supportive, but his work moved him to night shift so we barely see each other except a few hours on weekends. He often stays on his night schedule on days off so I end up sleeping on the couch because I miss him and want to be close.

I found his “old” phone in his work bag, woke him, and he lied—there were second accounts with sexual messages, he deleted them when I ran out of the room, and now I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday I was looking for his car keys in his work bag and found the old phone fully charged. My stomach dropped because I thought he’d gotten rid of it. I woke him and asked him to unlock it saying I needed pictures; he insisted there was nothing on it and that he was transferring photos to his laptop. He lied. I found messages, posts, and comments on a second Reddit account and an email account that were sexual and flirting with other women. I panicked and made the mistake of locking the phone when he tried to take it back, so now I don’t know the PIN to retrieve screenshots. When I ran out of the room he deleted the Reddit and email accounts. He refuses to give me the PIN and deleted the accounts right in front of me.

"He swore there was nothing on it and he was just trying to download pictures—he lied."

I am sick to my stomach. I quit my job when we decided I’d be a stay-at-home mom, I’m basically a homebody with almost no friends, and my in-laws live with us which makes leaving complicated. I’m getting therapy and taking medication, but this feels like a huge betrayal and I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know whether to demand the PIN, insist on counseling, set firm boundaries, or leave—especially while I’m so vulnerable postpartum and caring for our baby.

"He deleted the accounts when I left the room and now refuses to give me the PIN."

I feel trapped: no income, isolated, with family under the same roof. I don’t want to make a rash decision while postpartum, but I also can’t ignore this. I’m turning to the internet because I need perspective—am I overreacting, or is this gaslighting and disrespect that needs a serious response?

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, tensions are raw. He’s denying and deleting evidence, refusing to share the PIN, and we’re back to the same house with our baby and his family. I’m left processing betrayal while trying to keep the household functioning.

Practically, leaving is complicated: I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom, I have limited support outside therapy, and his family living with us makes abrupt moves difficult. Emotionally, I’m shaken: postpartum recovery is fragile, and this breach of trust has set me back.

The concrete choices ahead include insisting on joint counseling and transparency, demanding access to the phone and accounts, creating safety plans if I choose to leave, or involving a lawyer to understand my options. For now I’m trying to prioritize my mental health and my baby’s stability while deciding what boundaries to enforce.

"I’m seven months postpartum and this feels like a betrayal I can’t just sit with."

Whether this becomes a turning point toward repair or the beginning of the end depends on whether he acknowledges the behavior, undoes the deletions, and commits to honest counseling—and whether I get the practical support I need to make a safe decision.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This situation is both a breach of trust and a practical crisis. Finding secret, sexual accounts suggests emotional or sexual boundary violations, and deleting them in front of you is controlling and dishonest. It’s understandable that you feel betrayed and unsure how to protect yourself and your child.

At the same time, you’re in a vulnerable phase of recovery from postpartum depression. Any steps should prioritize your safety and mental health: document what you can, reach out to a trusted therapist (which you already do), and consider practical supports—family, local resources, or a lawyer—before making irreversible decisions.

Honest repair would require him to stop hiding, provide transparency (including the PIN or account records), and commit to professional counseling. If he refuses, it’s reasonable to plan for separation options while ensuring you and the baby are safe and financially supported.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“Deleting accounts in front of you is a huge red flag—this is controlling behaviour, not a small mistake.”

“Get proof, get advice, and make a safety plan. Your mental health and baby come first.”

“Counseling is worth trying, but if he won’t be transparent you need to consider legal and practical steps to protect yourself.”

Most readers would likely advise documenting everything, seeking legal/financial advice, and prioritizing safety and mental health—while not dismissing the option of counseling if he genuinely accepts responsibility and cooperates.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You’re facing a painful betrayal at a fragile time. Start by documenting what you know, telling your therapist exactly what happened, and asking about local resources for postpartum parents who may need support. If possible, request joint counseling but prepare practical steps—legal advice, a safety plan, and financial contingencies—if he refuses to be transparent.

You don’t have to decide everything at once. Protect your mental health and your baby’s stability first, then make informed choices about the relationship. If he’s willing to show accountability and full transparency, counseling might help; if he continues to hide and control, planning an exit with professional guidance is reasonable.

What do you think?
Would you try counseling if he agreed to be fully transparent, or is deleting evidence a break in trust that should end the relationship? Share your thoughts below 👇