AITA for refusing to make my mom quit her nursing job and babysit our two kids at my husband’s old rate?

My husband wants my mother to stop working as a nurse and come back to care for our daughters for $3,000/month — the rate we paid her before — but she now makes more as a nurse and daycare actually costs us more overall. I insist she shouldn’t quit unless we pay her fairly; he calls it a “privilege.”

I (mid-30s, engineer) and my husband (lawyer) have two daughters, ages 3 and 1. After maternity leave my mom quit nursing to care for them full time and we agreed to pay her roughly the local daycare rate — about $1,500 per child — so $3,000 a month. She picked them up, cooked, and provided flexible care we couldn't get from a center. Over time my husband started complaining that $3,000 was too much even though we can afford it on our combined incomes. I argued repeatedly, then decided to let her go back to nursing because the tension was damaging. Finding daycare was a struggle and now we pay $1,800 per child ($3,600 total), have less flexibility, and get more sick days and late fees (we've already paid a $75 late pickup charge).

My mother left her nursing job to care for our daughters and we paid her a daycare-level wage. She went back to nursing because of my husband’s complaints; now I refuse to force her to quit unless we compensate her fairly — he believes grandmother care is a “privilege,” and it’s tearing us apart.

When my mom returned to nursing she earned roughly $4,300 a month part-time. I told my husband that if we want her full-time again she should be compensated at least at her nursing income level because she’s not just babysitting—she’s doing round-the-clock care, cooking, pickups, and flexible hours that reduce our stress. He refuses and says a grandmother caring for grandchildren is a privilege, and that asking for nurse-level pay is excessive. I reminded him we currently pay $3,600 for daycare ($1,800 per child), which buys less flexibility than my mom provided.

"If we want her doing the child care we need to pay her that amount — she’s giving up her nursing income and flexibility."

We’ve seen practical downsides since switching to daycare: more sick days in winter, no pickups, no cooking, and extra fees for late pickups when schedules clash. My husband chalks those up to acceptable trade-offs; I see them as real costs. I offered various compromises — splitting the difference, written hours, or a trial period — but he insists on the lower $3,000 figure and accuses me of being unreasonable for demanding my mother’s financial security be respected.

"He says grandma care is a privilege; I say her time and finances deserve respect."

My mom would likely help for less, but I won’t pressure her to sacrifice her income or retirement security for our convenience. I don’t think it’s fair to expect unpaid or underpaid family labor when market rates and her own livelihood are at stake. My husband is angry and accuses me of being stubborn and making our life harder; I think we need a fair contract or a clear decision based on real costs and respect for my mom’s work.

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🏠 The Aftermath

Right now you’re using daycare at a total cost of $3,600/month and experiencing less flexibility and more stress when schedules collide or kids get sick. Your husband is pushing for your mother to return to caregiving at the previous $3,000 rate; you refuse to ask her to quit a paid nursing job unless she is offered fair compensation comparable to her current income. Tension at home is high and discussions have become heated.

At your mother’s level: she’s earning her own income again and regaining professional stability. At your household level: costs are higher than before and quality-of-life trade-offs are real (no pickups, no cooked meals, more illnesses affecting work days). For your marriage: the disagreement is about values and fairness — is family care “privilege” or paid labor that deserves market-rate compensation?

Consequences include ongoing marital friction, potential financial strain from daycare-related disruptions, and the ethical dilemma of asking a parent to forgo a career for unpaid family labor. You’re trying to balance respect for your mother’s livelihood with the household’s need for dependable childcare.

"We already pay more for daycare and have less flexibility — why should my mom be expected to take a pay cut so we can feel comfortable?"

You feel justified protecting your mom’s financial security; your husband feels justified minimizing costs. Both perspectives involve real trade-offs and neither is purely selfish — but they are clashing hard.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is both practical and moral: childcare is expensive and emotionally taxing, and when family steps in it can blur the line between gift and labor. Your husband’s framing of grandmother care as a “privilege” ignores the economic reality that your mother has her own bills and retirement to consider. Meanwhile, you also face the real inconveniences and costs of daycare that affect your household’s time and wellbeing.

Reasonable solutions usually combine respect for a caregiver’s livelihood with practical household needs: formalizing expectations in a written agreement, offering a fair wage that reflects lost income and extra duties, or exploring mixed care models (part-time family care plus daycare). Threatening your mother to quit or insisting she accept a lower rate because she’s family risks resentment and financial harm to her; refusing family help is reasonable if it protects her economic security.

People will disagree: some will say family should help for less out of love; others will insist that unpaid labor is exploitation in modern contexts. Both viewpoints are rooted in care and responsibility, but a durable solution requires negotiating clear terms rather than emotional appeals or ultimatums.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“NTA — your mother is a professional with her own income and retirement to protect. You’re right to refuse to pressure her into an unpaid role.”

“ESH — your husband for minimizing your mother’s labor and you for not presenting a clearer, compromise plan earlier.”

“INFO — have you run the full numbers comparing total daycare costs, lost work hours, and a fair caregiver wage? A written contract could save a lot of headaches.”

Readers will focus on fairness, economic reality, and practical compromise: treat family care like work if you rely on it, or pay market rates — but don’t expect free labor simply because someone is related.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You’re navigating a modern dilemma: relying on family for childcare is emotionally and logistically helpful, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of a parent’s financial security. Protecting your mother’s income while meeting your family’s needs is both reasonable and compassionate.

A next step: run the numbers together — include daycare cost, the real value of pickups/cooking/flexibility, and what it would cost to reimburse your mother fairly (including taxes and benefits implications). If she might return for less out of love, still formalize it: set hours, duties, a clear wage, and a trial period so no one is taken advantage of. Couples counseling or a calm financial planning session could also help you and your husband align values and make a sustainable choice.

What would you do?
Would you ask a parent to quit a paying job for childcare if you could technically afford daycare, or insist on paying them market value for the work? Share your thoughts below 👇