AITA for refusing to force my 8-year-old’s adoption when my wife demanded it?

I have full custody of my 8-year-old daughter, Ella. My wife wants to adopt her to cut Ella’s unstable biological mother out of her life — but Ella refuses, and I won't force her.

Ella’s biological mom has a long history of substance abuse, arrests, hospitalizations, and courts-ordered supervised visits — many of which she missed. I’ve had full custody of Ella for some time; her mother hasn’t been around consistently for about a year. I’ve been with Laura since Ella was two, and she’s raised the other two kids we share together. From the start Laura knew the situation and agreed to be part of Ella’s life; I made clear that Ella’s safety and wellbeing were my priority and that I understood if it became too much for her. We put Ella in therapy to help her process the instability and the mixed feelings she has about her mom.

I have full custody of my eight-year-old Ella. My wife wants to adopt her so her biological mom can no longer have access, but Ella doesn't want to be adopted — I'm not forcing it, and now my marriage may fall apart over that decision.

Laura loves Ella and has helped raise her alongside our two younger children. Lately, though, Laura has become increasingly insistent that she adopt Ella to permanently sever Ella’s biological mother’s parental rights — mainly so Ella’s mother can’t reappear and disrupt our family until Ella is an adult. Ella, however, does not want to be adopted. She still loves her mother and hopes she’ll get better someday, and at eight years old she’s expressed a clear preference not to be legally adopted.

"Her mom hasn't seen Ella reliably for about a year — hospitalizations, arrests, missed supervised visits."

I told Laura from the beginning that Ella’s safety and wellbeing were my first responsibility, and Laura agreed to that when we started dating and when we married. I’ve tried to balance that commitment with respect for Ella’s feelings: she’s in therapy and we’ve talked about her emotions around her mom. When Laura pushed for adoption as a way to guarantee permanence and eliminate any legal access by the biological mother, I said I wouldn’t force Ella into something she doesn’t want. I believe adoption should not be coerced, and at eight years old Ella’s wishes matter to me.

"She told me our marriage wouldn't survive if I won't agree to adoption or get a therapist to change Ella's mind."

Laura argued that adoption would protect our other kids and prevent future chaos if Ella’s mom returns. She framed it as necessary for the family’s long-term stability and gave me an ultimatum: agree to pursue adoption or she doesn’t see the marriage continuing. I refused to force Ella or manipulate her through therapy to reach a legal decision she’s uncomfortable with. When she pushed, I told her to divorce me if she couldn’t accept that boundary.

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🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, Ella continues to live with me and attend therapy. Laura is deeply unhappy and has said she may leave the marriage if I won’t support adoption or push Ella toward it.

At home: tension is high; Laura feels like a permanent parent in practice but not in law. Ella remains legally my daughter and resists adoption despite the instability from her biological mother. The other children are caught in the middle of marital strain.

Consequences include a real risk of divorce, ongoing stress for the family, and a difficult moral choice about respecting a child's autonomy versus seeking perceived legal safety. There’s no quick fix: adoption would bring legal finality but could harm trust with Ella; refusing it keeps Ella’s rights intact but leaves the family vulnerable to future disruptions if her biological mom reappears.

"I told her to divorce me then because I'm not forcing the adoption on Ella."

I feel torn — I want stability for all my kids, but I also want to honor Ella’s expressed wishes and protect her from being pressured into a legal change she doesn’t want. Laura’s frustration is understandable; my refusal to choose adoption has made the stakes painfully clear.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This situation isn't simply about paperwork — it’s about a child’s attachment, a step-parent's sacrifices, and how adults cope with fear of instability. Laura’s desire to adopt is rooted in wanting security and preventing future harm; that’s a valid parental concern. At the same time, Ella's wish to keep her biological link, even to an imperfect mother, is meaningful and age-appropriate to honor.

The conflict highlights a clash of priorities: legal permanence versus respecting a child's autonomy and emotional bonds. Forcing adoption could fracture trust between Ella and the adults trying to protect her; refusing adoption may leave a family vulnerable to future disruptions. Communication, family counseling, and legal advice tailored to Ella’s best interest could help find a less hurtful path forward.

Reasonable people may disagree. Some will say the step-parent’s commitment justifies adoption; others will insist a child’s consent and emotional readiness should come first. Both sides are anxious about protecting the children — they just envision different routes to safety.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“NTA — you can't legally or emotionally force an eight-year-old into adoption. Her feelings matter.”

“ESH — Laura’s fear is understandable, but ultimatums over a child’s legal identity are harsh. This needs family therapy, not threats.”

“INFO — have you explored legal options that limit the biological parent’s access without full adoption, or a mediated plan that respects Ella’s voice?”

Reactions will split between prioritizing legal safety and protecting a child's right to choose; recurring themes are communication, therapy, and exploring alternatives before irreversible legal moves.

🌱 Final Thoughts

This is a painful place to be: you want to secure a safe future for all your children, but the route to that safety matters. Forcing adoption risks long-term harm to your relationship with Ella; refusing it risks ongoing instability and marital breakdown.

A calmer path might be getting neutral legal advice, pursuing joint family counseling, and discussing step-parent adoption only if Ella later expresses a willing, informed preference. That balances protection with respect for her autonomy.

What do you think?
Would you push for adoption for legal safety, or prioritize the child's present wishes and wait? Share your thoughts below 👇