AITA for calling my husband a disgrace after he didn't come home quickly during my miscarriage and then ignored me on his birthday?

I miscarried at 8 weeks after seeing a heartbeat two days earlier. My husband took an hour to get home from work (saying he stopped for beers), I ended up in A&E, and he later told me the loss "ruined his birthday" — now he's giving me the silent treatment and I called him a disgrace. AITAH?

I’m 26F and my husband is 27. We have a 2-year-old. Yesterday I had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks. The day before we saw a beautiful heartbeat on the scan and everyone was so hopeful, so this is still shockingly fresh. While I was playing with our toddler I felt pressure, then bleeding, and passed what I believe was the fetus. I messaged my husband, "I think I lost the baby," and asked him to come home because I was getting lightheaded and the 2-year-old was alone in his playroom. He was working about 30 minutes away but took closer to 60 minutes to get back — he later said he stopped at Tesco to buy beers.

I lost our wanted 8-week pregnancy and felt terrified and alone while he delayed coming home — he stopped for beers, later said the miscarriage "ruined his birthday," then gave me the silent treatment, so I called him a disgrace.

After I messaged him, I started to feel worse — bleeding, lightheaded, vomiting — and had to take paracetamol, get our toddler fed and down for a nap while waiting. By the time he came home I was very poorly and he drove me to A&E. I was discharged at almost 8pm. I’d planned to make him his favourite dinner for his birthday but said I couldn’t and offered to get takeaway; he muttered “for fuck’s sake” and later said "this bullshit has ruined my birthday." He didn’t even stop for takeaway and later gave me the silent treatment, locked me out of the bedroom, and I haven’t really spoken to him since.

"I think I lost the baby."

His mother messaged me saying I needed to be patient because he's "also had a loss," but she didn’t ask how I was. He’s spoken to his mum but not to me. I tried to talk an hour ago and he ignored me; I called him a disgrace and he slammed and locked the bedroom door. I’m exhausted, bleeding, and emotionally raw — I’m grieving and feel completely emotionally neglected. I’m struggling with whether this is grounds for divorce or whether I’m reacting to hormones and shock.

"This bullshit has ruined my birthday."

I’m trying to understand whether calling him a disgrace was out of line. I’m furious that I felt abandoned when I needed him most and hurt that his mum seemed to side with him without checking on me. I don’t want to jump to divorce lightly, but I’m questioning whether I can stay in a marriage where I felt so alone during a medical emergency and the immediate grieving process.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now you’re grieving a miscarriage and feeling profoundly unsupported. Your husband delayed coming home, stopped for beers while you were in pain and alone with your toddler, expressed anger that the miscarriage "ruined his birthday," gave you the silent treatment, and locked you out of the bedroom when you confronted him. His mother has urged patience but didn’t check on you. You’ve called him a disgrace; he has withdrawn.

At home: there’s a deep emotional rift — you’re raw and seeking comfort, he’s withdrawn and defensive. In the short term: unresolved anger, lack of communication, and hurt on both sides. In the long term: this incident raises serious concerns about empathy, shared responsibility and whether he can be a supportive partner during crises.

"I was bleeding, sick and needed him — I felt abandoned and alone."

You’re grieving and need compassionate care; the way he responded has amplified your pain and created an urgent need for honest conversation or counselling about how to support each other through trauma.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is a raw mix of grief, shock, hormones, and expectations about emotional support. Miscarriage is a major loss and people react differently — some withdraw and some become oversensitive — but when one partner is in acute physical distress, the expectation of immediate practical and emotional support is reasonable. Stopping for beers while your partner bleeds at home and is alone with a toddler reads as neglectful in that context. That said, it's possible your husband is also internally overwhelmed, and his reaction (anger, avoidance, silent treatment) may be a poor coping mechanism rather than calculated cruelty.

Could you have handled it differently? Calling him a disgrace in the heat of the moment was an emotional response — understandable given the circumstances. Could he have done better? Absolutely — rushing home, prioritizing your care, offering comfort and communicating honestly would have helped massively. A healthy next step is to seek medical follow-up for you, reach out for emotional support, and consider couples counselling or at least a mediated conversation when things are less raw.

If you’re considering divorce, pause before making permanent decisions while still in shock and pain. Get medical care, confide in a trusted friend or therapist, and ask for a clear, honest conversation with your husband (ideally with a counsellor) to understand his perspective and make a measured decision about the future.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“NTA — in a medical emergency and while grieving, your partner should have prioritized you. Stopping for beers and sulking is unacceptable.”

“He may be coping poorly too, but that doesn’t excuse leaving you to manage alone. Get support and don’t make hasty legal decisions while raw.”

“Seek counselling together — this is a moment that reveals patterns. Protect your health first, then decide next steps.”

Reactions will emphasize supporting you medically and emotionally, holding your husband accountable for prioritizing your care, and urging measured steps (therapy, medical follow-up) before making life-altering choices.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You experienced a devastating loss and felt abandoned when you needed help most — your anger and hurt are understandable. The right immediate actions are medical aftercare and emotional support for you, followed by a calm but honest conversation or counselling to understand why your husband acted as he did and whether this is a one-time failure or part of a larger pattern.

Calling him a disgrace in the moment is understandable; whether it’s grounds for divorce depends on his willingness to acknowledge the harm, apologize, and engage in real repair. For now, prioritize your recovery and seek trusted support. What do you think?
Would you push for counselling and a chance to repair, or see this as a dealbreaker that just revealed deeper incompatibility? Share your thoughts below 👇