AITA for cheating one time after discovering my husband cheated for years and now won’t leave me but threatens and controls me?

After finding out my husband had been cheating on me for most of our 8-year marriage, I made the awful decision to cheat once myself. He says he “forgives” me, refuses to leave, and instead calls me names, monitors my every move, and threatens violence whenever he’s unhappy.

I’m 32 and my husband is 36. We’ve been married 8 years and have two kids together. Last year I found out he had been cheating on me multiple times throughout our relationship. When one of our babies was only three months old, he went on a “boys trip,” cheated there, and came back with two women’s numbers who he spoke to daily. Going through things, I realized he’d been cheating and sexting other women since we first started dating. I was devastated and felt like my whole life had been built on lies. We sat down, he begged me to forgive him, claimed it was “old stuff” and not as recent as I thought, promised he’d grown up and would be a better husband if I gave him another chance. Overwhelmed and not really thinking clearly, I stayed, even though part of me knew I should have left then. During that “rebuilding” period, he didn’t openly flirt or talk to other women in front of me, but he refused to delete Snapchat (where a lot of the cheating happened), was rude, snappy, and treated me badly. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he begged and begged, involved my parents and family, made leaving feel impossible, and I caved again.

After years of his cheating, I broke down and cheated once myself—hoping it would finally make him end things—but instead he “forgave” me and now uses my mistake as ammunition to control, threaten, and intimidate me while refusing to actually leave.

Feeling trapped and exhausted by how badly he treated me, I made a horrible decision and cheated back. Part of me thought that if I did, he’d finally agree to divorce instead of dragging our whole extended family into every conversation and refusing to let me leave. A family member told him what I’d done. I braced myself for him to walk away—but instead, he said he would “forgive” me. He told me he understood, given how much he’d cheated on me, and that we should use this as a chance to start fresh. He claimed he was heartbroken but wanted to move past it since he had hurt me so much before.

"He said he would forgive me and that we should start fresh now, because after all the times he cheated, it was only fair."

Instead of actually moving on, he started using my mistake as a weapon. He calls me worthless, a POS, and brings it up constantly. He obsessively checks my whereabouts and demands to know exactly where I was, down to the minute—if I can’t account for something like “where were you from 9:30 to 9:40,” it turns into a massive fight. He threatens to hurt me, to hit me in the face, to bash my head in if I don’t answer fast enough or if he doesn’t like my explanation. One night, he asked who a random person on my Instagram was; when I said it was just someone I follow, he tried to choke me. The next day he said, “Me choking you out last night didn’t put fear in your heart?” I’ve asked him to leave, and he responded that if we end things, “we both leave the apartment,” and that he’ll destroy it or get me kicked out if I try to stay.

"Between you loving me and fearing me, I’d rather you fear me, because that means respect."

The place is rented under my name because he was never available to help when I signed the lease, but he still insists I’ll be the one forced out if we separate. He has me sharing my location whenever I’m not at work, controls what I do, and tells me I need to “listen and obey” him. My family doesn’t all see what I see—my mom thinks I’m overreacting, my sister betrayed my confidence and told him about my cheating, and most relatives think he’s a great husband. My dad is the only one I feel fully supported by. I know cheating back was wrong, and I’m not proud of it, but I don’t feel sorry for him after everything he did. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve this because of my mistake, but then I think: if he can’t get over it, he could just leave—yet he refuses. I genuinely don’t understand what he wants and I feel desperate and trapped.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, we’re still living together with our kids in an apartment that’s in my name, but emotionally the relationship feels shattered. He claims to have forgiven me while simultaneously punishing me for what I did and ignoring his own long history of cheating.

For him, “moving on” looks like constant surveillance, verbal abuse, and threats of physical harm if I don’t comply with his demands—about my location, my phone, my social media, even how I look at him. For me, the aftermath is fear, confusion, and a growing realization that I’m not safe and that the kids are living in a home filled with tension, even if he’s careful not to explode in front of them.

Family and work complicate everything: he’s intertwined with my relatives, loved by many of them, and we work at the same small, family-style company. On the surface, he comes off as a good partner and father. Behind closed doors, I’m documenting threats via text, dodging violence, and quietly working on a plan to get out.

"He won’t let me leave, won’t truly forgive, and seems to want me scared and obedient more than loved or equal."

The result is a distorted “marriage” where staying feels dangerous and leaving feels risky—but the longer it goes on, the clearer it becomes that there’s no real trust or respect left to save.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t a simple “we both cheated” story; it’s about long-term betrayal, manipulation, and control. His cheating started first and went on for years, through pregnancies and early motherhood. Your cheating was a reaction to feeling trapped and unheard, not a solution—but it doesn’t erase the pattern he created or justify the way he’s treating you now.

What you’re describing—name-calling, threats, physical intimidation, choking, obsessive monitoring, and using fear as a tool—is abuse. Saying he forgives you while weaponizing your mistake daily is not forgiveness; it’s leverage. He claims he wants a fresh start but seems more invested in keeping power over you than in healing the relationship or taking accountability for the damage he caused.

Reasonable people can agree that cheating is wrong, but they can also see that one bad decision does not make someone deserve violence or constant fear. The deeper issue isn’t just infidelity; it’s whether there is any safety, trust, or genuine respect left in this marriage—and whether staying gives him more chances to hurt you, emotionally or physically.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“Cheating back was a mistake, but it doesn’t make you responsible for his abuse. He’s using your guilt to keep control.”

“He doesn’t want to leave because having you scared, monitored, and obedient seems more important to him than being a faithful partner.”

“Your kids deserve a mom who’s safe and not being choked and threatened—this goes way beyond relationship drama.”

Most reactions will likely acknowledge that both partners crossed a line with cheating, but also draw a firm distinction between infidelity and ongoing abuse—and encourage you to prioritize safety, support, and an exit strategy over trying to fix something that’s become dangerous.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but one wrong doesn’t cancel out another. His years of cheating and his current threats and control are choices he is making, not consequences you “deserve.” Feeling guilty about your own mistake doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay and endure this.

You’re already documenting, reaching out, and slowly recognizing that you are not the problem—those are important steps. The next ones are about safety, support, and figuring out how to build a life where fear and surveillance aren’t the foundation of your marriage.

What do you think?
Is there anything left to salvage here, or is it time to focus entirely on getting out safely for yourself and your kids? Share your thoughts below 👇