AITA for breaking up after finding texts where my girlfriend called me out of her league and said she'd resent me for earning less?

I (student) did my girlfriend’s presentation so she could take a free work cruise, then accidentally found a conversation where she and her sister said I’m "out of her league," unambitious, eat poorly, wouldn’t want kids with me, and would resent me for making less — is breaking up abrupt or justified?

We’ve been together about three years and are both students with plans for doctoral degrees. She had an opportunity to go on a free sunset cruise with coworkers but had a presentation due the same night, so I volunteered to finish it for her so she could go. While moving the file on her Mac to my Windows desktop, I searched my name in Messages and — I know it was nosy — the search showed a recent thread between her and her sister. In that conversation her sister wrote that she felt my girlfriend was "out of my league" and that I should "try harder to be a better man." My girlfriend agreed and then went on to call me unambitious, say I "eat like shit," claim she wouldn't want kids with me even if she wanted them, and say she would resent me for making less money than her. All this was said during/after a fight about her unwillingness to visit me an hour away while she considered flying six hours one-way to see a male friend for a day.

I finished her presentation so she could go out; I found a message thread where she admitted she thinks I'm out of her league, called me unambitious and unhealthy, said she'd resent me for making less, and said she wouldn't want kids with me — I confronted her and we’re done.

Context: we’re both students aiming for doctoral degrees; I expect to earn a strong salary (~120–130k) while she likely expects higher (~250–300k). The argument that led to those messages was about travel — she didn’t want to travel one hour to visit me for a weekend, yet considered flying a 6-hour trip to see a male friend for a single day. I read the messages (I admit I snooped) and later confronted her. She cried, said she didn’t mean it, but the trust was broken for me. I brought it up after I finished important tests — I waited to avoid extra distraction — and ultimately we broke up shortly after the confrontation.

"She said she thinks I'm unambitious and that she'd resent me for making less than her."

I tried to interpret the remarks: some were petty, some hurtful, and some felt like deep reveals of how she truly viewed our future. I’m not perfect, but I contribute what I can and try to be supportive. The discovery made me re-evaluate whether I wanted to be with someone who privately lists so many fundamental reasons she sees me as less-than.

"She said she wouldn't want kids with me even if she wanted kids."

After I confronted her, she cried and claimed she didn’t mean it. I didn't get the dramatic scene — there was apology and tears, but not enough repair for me. I chose to end the relationship; I also acknowledged I should have asked before reading her private messages, but the content felt like a dealbreaker given the length and depth of the criticisms.

🏠 The Aftermath

We are broken up. I brought up what I read, she cried and said she didn't mean it, and I ended the relationship soon after. There weren’t dramatic scenes or public confrontations; the breakup was quiet but final. Friends and family who knew the situation have largely supported me, and I’m taking time before dating again so I can process the betrayal and rebuild my confidence.

For her: she lost a partner who was willing to help her in a pinch and learned that private comments can have public consequences. For me: I lost someone I cared about but gained clarity that her private view of me didn’t match what I wanted in a partner. The short-term consequences have been emotional processing, boundary-setting, and a decision to wait before re-entering dating.

Longer term: trust needs rebuilding if either of us were to reconcile, and the asymmetry between public behavior and private opinions raises flags about long-term respect and compatibility.

"I confronted her, she cried and said she didn't mean it — but I couldn't stay."

I feel both relief and sadness: relief that I removed myself from a relationship where my partner privately dismissed core parts of me, and sadness that the relationship and the time invested ended this way.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is a messy mix of privacy, honesty, and compatibility. Snooping through someone’s messages is a breach of privacy and casts a shadow over any legitimate reaction to what’s found. That said, the content you discovered—repeated, personal, and dismissive—reveals more than a one-off insult: it suggests a private narrative that conflicts with the relationship’s public face. Both issues matter: you deserve respect, and she deserves privacy; the question is whether the private beliefs you found are reconcilable with a healthy partnership.

If the messages had been a single flippant remark, a conversation and repair might have sufficed. But a sustained thread where a partner and her sister conclude you’re "out of your league," list fundamental reasons they see you as inferior, and say they wouldn’t want children with you points to deeper incompatibility. Rebuilding from that requires honest accountability from her and demonstrable change; it also requires you to consider whether trust can ever be fully restored after both the snooping and the revealed contempt.

Reasonable next steps include time to process, avoid rushing into another relationship, and reflecting on boundaries: why you searched messages, how you want privacy honored going forward, and what standards of respect you require from a partner. Therapy or talking with trusted friends can help untangle guilt from justified hurt.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“She said nasty, fundamental things about your future together — ending it makes sense even if you snooped.”

“You shouldn’t have read her messages, but you can’t unread what you learned. Prioritize your self-respect.”

“If she privately lists reasons she can’t see a life with you, that signals long-term incompatibility — better to walk away now.”

Reactions will likely split between criticizing the snooping and supporting the breakup because the revealed feelings suggest a relationship without mutual respect or shared values.

🌱 Final Thoughts

This situation is painful and complicated. Snooping was wrong, but what you uncovered cut to the core: your partner privately articulated reasons she doesn’t see a life with you. That kind of fundamental lack of respect is a fair reason to end a relationship. You’re allowed to feel conflicted — relief, anger, and sadness can coexist.

Take time to process, lean on friends or a therapist, and reflect on what you want in a partner: privacy, respect, and someone whose private view of you matches their public one. Healing takes time, and waiting before dating again is wise.

What do you think?
Would you have forgiven and stayed to rebuild, or ended it sooner? Share your thoughts below 👇