AITA for refusing to let my husband back in after a suspicious late dinner with a sales rep?

My husband attended an unusual one-on-one work dinner with a sales rep, disappeared for hours without answering texts or calls, and then lied about where he was — when I told him not to come home he stayed at his parents’ and called me crazy. AITA?

My husband of six years works in a field where sales reps constantly host fancy dinners to win business. So far this year he’s been to upwards of forty of these events. I’m sleep-deprived with a three-year-old and a five-month-old at home, and we’ve only been out together four times in the last year. I’ve asked him to cut back but he insists these dinners are investments that might lead to paid speaking gigs. When I complain he accuses me of sabotaging our finances.

I’m a very tired mom who told my husband not to come home after he disappeared for hours during a one-on-one dinner with a female sales rep — he called me paranoid, accused me of PMDD, and slept at his parents’ house instead.

Last week he forwarded a text from a sales rep — an attractive woman around our age — asking to have a one-on-one dinner while she was in town. It was unusual because most dinners are group events. They agreed to meet at 6:30; he left the house at 6:04. I was exhausted caring for a colicky baby and an awake toddler, so at 9:00 I texted for an ETA. He didn’t respond. I called at 9:15 and 9:30 and was sent straight to voicemail both times. When I called the restaurant, the host said no one matching his description had been there that night. His parents hadn’t heard from him either.

"I texted that I was calling his parents to see if they'd heard from him — they hadn't."

At nearly 10:00 p.m., after hours of silence, I told him not to come home. Fifteen minutes later he sent an automated GPS ETA and then showed up anyway; I didn’t let him in because he didn’t have keys. He accused me of being crazy, claimed the tapas place wasn't nice enough so they went elsewhere, said his phone was on silent (even though he declined calls), and dismissed my concerns as PMDD and paranoia. He slept at his parents’ house, collected his things in the morning, and later went to another dinner — and has been staying at his parents’ since.

"He called me crazy, accused me of PMDD, and said I was 'creating events in my mind.'"

He insists I’m overreacting and says he’s generating revenue for our family. I feel disrespected, evasively treated, and suspicious. I’m exhausted and second-guessing myself — I don’t know if I’m justified or if I’m blowing this out of proportion.

🏠 The Aftermath

After I refused to let him in, he slept at his parents’ house and has been staying there since. He came back in the morning to collect some things, attended another dinner that night, and appears to be continuing the pattern of frequent dinners while staying elsewhere. Our communication has broken down: he’s calling my reactions crazy and suggesting medicalized explanations, and I’m exhausted and unsupported at home with two young children.

Practically, the immediate effects are: I’m managing the household and children alone more, he’s spending nights away after social/work events, and trust between us has frayed. The tension has pushed a wedge into parenting logistics and emotional safety at home.

Longer-term consequences could include ongoing separation of living routines, unresolved questions about boundaries and fidelity, and the need for a serious conversation (or counseling) if we want to repair things.

"He said the tapas place wasn't nice enough so they went somewhere else — but the restaurant said nobody matching him was there."

I wanted clarity and a simple ETA so I could sleep and care for the kids; instead I got silence, evasive explanations, and accusations. That’s why I told him not to come home and why I’m now questioning whether to accept his version of events.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is about boundaries, respect, and emotional labor. You asked for a small favor — an ETA so you could manage two young kids and get some sleep — and you were met with silence. That silence, combined with the restaurant’s report and his sudden defensiveness, reasonably triggered alarm and a protective response.

Calling someone paranoid or accusing them of a mood disorder as a way to deflect accountability is a classic gaslighting move; even if he believes his own explanations, the pattern of frequent, one-on-one dinners with attractive reps and his refusal to be transparent are valid reasons to feel uneasy. You’re allowed to protect your household and insist on respect and communication.

Reasonable people may disagree about whether you should have barred him from coming home that night. Given the hours of silence, the restaurant’s denial, and the way he dismissed your concerns, refusing him entry was a defensible boundary. This moment calls for an honest conversation, possibly structured (counseling or a mediated talk), to address trust, parenting responsibilities, and acceptable work-related socializing.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“You asked for a simple ETA and got silence — in your place I would set boundaries too. Not letting him in was a clear boundary after repeated evasions.”

“The restaurant said he wasn't there and he declined calls — that doesn’t add up. Your concerns are reasonable, not just sleep-deprived paranoia.”

“He could be right about revenue, but that doesn’t justify disappearing or gaslighting. Demand transparency and a change in how he handles parenting and communication.”

Community reactions will likely support your need for boundaries while recommending next steps like demanding honesty, setting limits on dinners, and seeking counseling if trust can’t be rebuilt.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You weren’t wrong to be upset: you asked for a small thing — an ETA — while managing two little kids, and you were met with silence and evasive explanations. That pattern, plus his defensive accusations, justifies a firm boundary and a demand for transparency.

Next steps could include a calm but firm conversation about expectations (how often dinners are acceptable, one-on-one meetings, and how he communicates), insisting on clear check-ins during evenings out, and considering counseling if he continues to dismiss your concerns. Protecting your emotional and parental labor is valid.

What do you think?
Would you insist on strict communication rules before allowing him back home, or prioritize reconciliation first? Share your advice below 👇