AITA for dating a guy who secretly learned ASL to bond with my deaf brother?

My boyfriend secretly learned basic ASL to communicate with my deaf brother and surprised us by signing at a family gathering — my friends call it manipulative, but I think it was thoughtful. I’m not sure who’s right.

I (21F) met Jon (22M) in a college class last semester. He’s respectful, kind, funny, and we share a lot of interests. We became friends and started dating in July — he’s the first person I’ve ever dated. Last September he met my family at my brother Trev’s (19M) birthday. Trev has been deaf since birth, so my family communicates with ASL, lip reading, or text. Jon fit in right away: he was warm, funny, and respectful. He even typed jokes to Trev so they could talk, and my parents said they could tell he cared about me.

I’m a 21-year-old whose boyfriend quietly learned ASL so he could communicate with my deaf brother — he surprised us at a family birthday by signing, Trev was over the moon, and now my friends say that’s a red flag.

After the first visit Jon and Trev clicked while playing Call of Duty — Trev is very expressive and uses ASL to trash-talk during games, and I translated while keeping things light. A couple of weeks ago Jon came home with me again for my mom’s birthday and surprised us by using ASL: not fluent, but he knew the alphabet, basic words, and practiced phrases. Trev lit up in a way I’d never seen. Jon had been quietly learning on YouTube and Skillshare and kept practicing every day since.

"He typed jokes to Trev so they could talk — then he surprised us by signing."

Their next gaming session felt even more natural: Jon could sign simple things, Trev laughed the whole time, and their trash-talk became direct. I was thrilled and told my high school friends about it — but most reacted badly. They said Jon’s behavior was a red flag, calling it obsessive, manipulative, creepy, a way to get close to my family, or even a trick to get laid. My closest guy friend was especially vocal, saying Jon was \"getting too close to my family.\"

"He was getting too close to my family — probably only doing it to get laid."

But Jon has never pressured me for sex; I told him I wasn’t ready and he respected that. He’s been consistently patient, sincere, and thoughtful. Because this is my first relationship, I’m torn: my friends want me to break up, but everything I see with Jon suggests genuine care. I don’t know whether I’m missing something or whether my friends are projecting their fears about boundaries and motives.

🏠 The Aftermath

At home, Jon’s effort has brought him closer to Trev: they’re gaming more, laughing, and Trev clearly enjoys the direct communication. My parents appreciated Jon’s attempt and commented that it showed he cared about me.

Among my friends, though, the revelation stirred distrust. Several friends are pushing me to end the relationship, arguing the learning felt like over-investment aimed at gaining influence with my family. That pressure has left me uncertain and defensive.

Concrete consequences: stronger bonding between Jon and Trev, tension in my friend group, and me feeling caught between trusting my partner’s consistent behavior and heeding my friends’ alarmed reactions.

"Seeing him sign made Trev unbelievably happy — it looked sincere, not staged."

I’m happy Trev has someone trying to bridge communication, but I also feel the strain of friends urging me to reconsider a seemingly good relationship. The next step feels like clarifying motives and boundaries rather than an immediate breakup.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t simply a case of manipulation or obsession; it’s about intent and transparency. Jon invested time into learning a language that matters to my family and used it to include my brother. His actions—private practice followed by a thoughtful surprise—look like care rather than a calculated move.

That said, my friends’ worries highlight a valid point: when someone invests heavily in connecting with your family, it’s reasonable to ask questions about motive and boundaries. The healthiest path is open communication — ask Jon why he started learning ASL, how he sees his relationship with Trev, and share your friends’ concerns without accusing him.

Because this is my first relationship, I’m paying attention to patterns over time. So far Jon’s behavior has been consistent: patient, respectful, and not pressuring me. If his words match his actions, that will reassure me more than rumors or assumptions.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“He learned your brother’s language and made him happy — that sounds like genuine effort, not manipulation.”

“Talk to Jon and your friends. Transparency will show whether his intentions match his actions.”

“Don’t dump someone for kindness. Set boundaries and watch consistency — actions over time reveal character.”

Reactions are likely to split between praising Jon’s effort and urging caution; most advice centers on communication and observing long-term behavior rather than an immediate breakup.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Jon’s decision to learn ASL quietly and then surprise your family seems to have been born from care and a desire to include your brother. That matters — consistent, respectful behavior usually indicates sincerity.

Still, your friends’ concerns can be useful prompts to discuss motives and boundaries openly with Jon. If his answers align with his continued respectful actions, that should ease your doubts.

What do you think?
Would you trust someone who quietly learned your sibling’s language to connect with them, or would you want more transparency first? Share your thoughts below 👇