AITA for cutting off my dad after he tried to use my wife’s death to justify his past?

Eight months after losing my wife, my dad began pushing for “understanding” about the choices he made when my mom died — and I couldn’t stomach hearing it.

I’m a 30-year-old widowed dad of three kids under seven. My wife’s sudden death eight months ago shattered our lives. We were together for 11 years and I fully expected to grow old with her. The grief has been constant, and therapy has been the only thing keeping us upright. Her death resurfaced memories I’ve carried since childhood — because my mom also died suddenly when I was five. Losing my wife made my dad reach out, but instead of comfort, it reopened wounds I spent decades trying to heal. My relationship with him has always been strained: after my mom died, he fell apart and rushed into dating within three months, then remarried in 14. He pushed his wife on me, expected me to call her “mom,” and even tried a stepparent adoption without involving me.

I lost my wife — and instead of offering comfort, my dad tried to make it about himself and demanded forgiveness for everything he did after my mom died.

I never saw my dad’s wife as a mother — she wasn’t loving, and she constantly tried to overwrite my mom’s memory. My dad encouraged that, insisting I call her “mom,” blaming me for “holding onto” my real mother, saying I drove his wife away emotionally. It took years and a brutal argument between them for me to understand she feared he never stopped loving my mom. Despite everything, he expected me to move on the way he did. And then, just ten hours after my wife died, he brought it all up again. He said now I “should understand” him better, that losing my wife meant I’d finally see why he moved on so quickly. He wanted to laugh about my “childish reactions” from the past — while my wife’s body was still warm.

"Ten hours after she died — he wanted me to validate his behavior when my mom passed."

I kicked him out. For weeks, I ignored calls and texts. When I finally answered, he doubled down: insisting I should “get it now,” that I should forgive him and love his wife, that men have “needs,” and that grief shouldn’t mean “wallowing.” Every conversation became about him — his excuses, his need for closure, his demand for forgiveness. I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore. He got angry. I blocked his number.

"He said losing my wife should make me more compassionate and ready to forgive him."

My dad hasn’t been involved in my life for years — he barely knows my kids, and his wife has never met them. Blocking him feels drastic, but necessary. I’m grieving my wife, raising three heartbroken children, and trying to function. I don’t have the capacity to heal my dad’s guilt for him.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, my priority is my kids and our healing. My dad is furious that I’m not giving him the “understanding” he thinks he deserves. I’m exhausted and disgusted that he used my wife’s death as an opening to rewrite his past.

At my house: grief, therapy, and trying to build stability. At his: anger, frustration, and a fixation on being forgiven for choices he made decades ago. There is almost no real relationship left between us.

The consequence is distance — intentional distance — because every interaction has been about his narrative instead of supporting me through the worst loss of my life.

"I’m grieving my wife — I can’t also manage his guilt."

For now, I need peace. Whether that means temporary space or a permanent boundary, time will tell. But forcing myself into conversations that reopen old wounds isn’t an option while I’m carrying my kids through this.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t a simple family disagreement — it’s a collision of deep grief, old trauma, and a father who never processed guilt for how he handled his wife’s death. Instead of showing empathy, he demanded emotional labor from a son already drowning.

Your reaction isn’t heartless; it’s self-defense. You’re protecting your children, your sanity, and your healing from someone who repeatedly centers himself in your pain. Understanding doesn’t come from pressure — it comes from respect, boundaries, and genuine remorse, none of which he offered.

Some wounds never fully close, especially when a parent refuses accountability. Distance can be a healthier choice than forced reconciliation, especially while grief is still raw.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“He made your wife’s death about himself. You’re allowed to block someone who keeps reopening trauma.”

“Grief doesn’t entitle him to rewrite history or force forgiveness. Your boundaries are valid.”

“Focus on your kids. Anyone who can’t support you right now doesn’t deserve access to you.”

Most agree that pushing your dad away isn’t cruel — it’s needed space from someone using your vulnerability to soothe his conscience.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Grief changes everything, including old relationships. You’re carrying your kids through a devastating loss while trying to survive it yourself. You don’t owe anyone emotional labor right now — especially not someone who only shows up to center himself.

Some boundaries are temporary; others are permanent. What matters is protecting your healing and honoring the love you had with your wife without being dragged into someone else’s unresolved guilt.

What do you think?
Is blocking him reasonable, or should he get another chance someday? Share your thoughts below 👇