AITA for banning my ex’s gifts and stopping his family from telling our kids “your dad loves you”?

After discovering my ex’s live-in girlfriend has multiple child abuse convictions, I went to court and got full custody. Now I only allow his family to see our kids if they follow two rules—and some of them think I’m being cruel and unfair.

I’m 28 and share two young children with my 30-year-old ex. We broke up after our second child was born but still managed to co-parent reasonably well for a couple of years. Early on he was the one who wanted open communication about big changes. Then he got a new girlfriend, never mentioned her to me, and quietly moved her in. I only found out because our eldest brought her up—and didn’t sound comfortable around her—despite usually warming up quickly to kind people. When I asked my ex directly if he was living with someone, he got defensive and said it was none of my business who he lived with, completely ignoring the agreement he’d once pushed for about telling each other major things that affect the kids. Even his own mother thought it was weird how secretive he was being about this woman.

I’m a mom who found out my ex’s new live-in girlfriend has multiple child abuse convictions, so I fought for full custody and set firm rules with his family—and now I’m being told I’m “depriving” my kids of their dad’s love.

His mom reached out separately because she also thought the whole situation was off and said they didn’t know much about this girlfriend either—just her name. I had a bad gut feeling, so I ran a background check. What came back was horrifying: multiple charges and four separate convictions related to abusing children. This wasn’t some teenage mistake; it was a pattern. I brought the information to my ex, expecting him to be shocked and protective. Instead, he lashed out and told me I had no business digging into his girlfriend’s past, then started verbally abusing me for “interfering.” His mother, on the other hand, was horrified when she saw what I’d found.

"I found out she had a criminal record for abusing children—several charges and four separate convictions."

I went straight to my attorney, who walked me through the legal steps to remove our kids from his home and keep them safe. The court granted me full custody. He’s now only allowed supervised visitation at a specific center—and only without his girlfriend present. He has chosen not to see the kids at all since the custody change, because every time he turns up, he brings her with him and is turned away. He is literally prioritizing a woman with a child abuse record over actually spending time with his own children.

"If he refuses to be involved in their lives, he doesn’t get to bribe them from the sidelines."

His mom has been supportive, and I’ve always welcomed her and the rest of his family to see the kids under a couple of clear conditions. First, they are not to bring up my ex and tell the kids “your dad loves you so much” or spin it like he didn’t choose this. He did choose: he chose to stay with someone unsafe instead of complying with boundaries that would let him see them. I don’t want the kids being told a different story just to protect his image. Second, they’re not allowed to bring gifts “from Dad.” The therapist agreed that letting him send presents while refusing to show up in person opens the door for manipulation, especially given the danger around his girlfriend’s history.

🏠 The Aftermath

Since the custody change, my ex has chosen not to see our children rather than attend visits without his girlfriend. The supervised center is ready for him, but he keeps turning up with her, knowing the rules, and is refused entry. The kids are slowly adjusting to life without seeing their dad, supported by therapy and predictable routines at home.

His mother and some other family members continue to visit the kids under my conditions. His mom understands and backs my decision, fully aware that her son made a deliberate choice. However, a couple of his siblings have pushed back, accusing me of being unfair and insisting the kids should “know their dad loves them,” even if he’s not present.

As a result, there’s now tension within his family: some respect the boundaries and prioritize safety and honesty, while others think my rules are “punishment” and claim I’m risking the kids’ relationships with their extended relatives.

"He made his choice—and I refuse to let my kids pay the price for it with their safety or their reality."

I’m left balancing my kids’ right to family connections with their right to be safe, unmanipulated, and not fed a fantasy about a father who keeps choosing someone dangerous over them.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t just a bitter co-parenting fight; it’s a safety issue. There’s a huge difference between being upset that an ex moved on and discovering that the person they moved in has multiple convictions for harming children. My choices are shaped by that reality, not by jealousy or anger.

Could I be more lenient about what his relatives say? Maybe. But then my children would grow up hearing that their father “loves them so much” while he skips every opportunity to see them because he refuses a basic safeguard. That disconnect can be deeply confusing and damaging, especially when paired with gifts that appear out of nowhere from a dad who won’t physically show up.

Reasonable people may disagree about how much to say, when, and how. But for me, safety and honesty have to come first. Love isn’t just a word adults tell kids; it’s a pattern of choices—and my kids are old enough to be protected from mixed messages about who is actually choosing them.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“You didn’t block their dad; he did that himself by refusing to follow basic safety rules. Protecting your kids isn’t petty—it’s your job.”

“Letting relatives tell them ‘Daddy loves you so much’ while he skips visits and brings a convicted abuser is emotional gaslighting.”

“Extended family can have relationships with your kids—but on your terms. If they can’t respect boundaries, that’s on them, not you.”

Most reactions would likely support the focus on safety and clear boundaries, with debates centering around how to preserve healthy family ties without rewriting the truth about the father’s choices.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You went to court, followed legal advice, and made decisions grounded in a documented risk to your children. That’s not alienation—that’s parenting in a hard situation. Your ex has every chance to show up safely and chooses not to.

Extended family can still be part of your kids’ world, but not at the cost of their emotional clarity or safety. Boundaries may feel harsh to outsiders, but they’re often the only thing standing between a child and a confusing, unsafe dynamic.

What do you think?
Would you relax the rules for the sake of family harmony, or hold the line the way I have? Share your thoughts below 👇