AITA for stopping the people-pleasing behaviors my husband got used to?

After years of overgiving, therapy helped me finally set small boundaries. Now my husband says I’ve “changed” because I won’t bend over backwards for every request—and he’s been punishing me with silence whenever I don’t.

We’ve been together for five years and married a little over one. For the past nine months I’ve been in individual therapy, and for three months we’ve been in couples therapy. My focus has been self-esteem and anxiety, and in that process I realized how much of a people pleaser I’ve been—especially toward men. I’ve spent years believing I needed to earn love through looks, domestic skills, charm, and usefulness. Being “just me” didn’t feel enough until therapy helped me unpack all that. I’m trying hard not to be a pushover anymore.

I’ve started setting small, reasonable boundaries—like not making two trips across town or not completing every task for him—and my husband says I’ve “changed” in a bad way. But honestly, it feels like therapy is finally working, and he just doesn’t like the new balance.

This week I went into the office daily instead of working from home. We carpool because parking is easier at his building. One morning he asked me to make his coffee, and I said yes—but told him he’d have to add the cream and sugar because I was still getting ready. He said he “didn’t have time for that” and didn’t speak to me most of the day. I acted normal to avoid escalating.

"He didn’t speak to me for most of the day because I asked him to add his own cream and sugar."

The next day he asked me to drop him off downtown, pick him up later, drive him home, then drive back downtown for my own plans. I said no—he could Uber, take the train, or ride home with me. Today, after a long day, I came home early to clean because my parents are visiting. He said he’d take care of it, but the place was a mess. When I said something, he told me I could clean it if it was such a big deal. I let it go… but he still punished me with silence.

"He told me I’ve changed and don’t make him feel special anymore… and I think that means therapy is working."

Tonight he unloaded on me about how I’m not making him feel good or special. But nothing I’m doing is malicious—I’m simply no longer inconveniencing myself to meet every demand. I’ve stopped bending beyond what’s reasonable. It feels like he is struggling with losing the version of me who overextended herself in every direction.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, he’s upset and distant, insisting that my new boundaries mean I don’t care about him. I feel calmer and clearer, but also sad that reasonable independence is being interpreted as rejection.

Around the house nothing changed dramatically: I still cook, shop, clean dishes, and pick up after him. I just stopped doing everything on demand or reorganizing my day around his comfort. His response has been silence, guilt-tripping, and accusations that I’m no longer making him feel special.

The consequence is a painful standstill: he wants the old, over-accommodating version of me back; I’m trying to grow into someone with healthier boundaries and self-worth.

"He says I’ve changed. I say I’m finally becoming myself."

It hurts that growth is creating tension—but it also highlights how one-sided things have been. I’m realizing I can’t keep shrinking to maintain his comfort.

💭 Emotional Reflection

A shift in relationship dynamics can feel threatening—especially when one partner was benefiting from imbalance. Your husband may be reacting to a loss of comfort, not an actual loss of love. Boundaries can feel like rejection to someone used to being accommodated.

You’re not being cold or neglectful: you’re asking for a more equal partnership. His silent treatment and guilt-based reactions aren’t healthy ways to express discomfort. Couples therapy might help him name what he’s feeling instead of punishing you for growing.

Reasonable people often disagree here, but growth is uncomfortable by nature. The real question is whether he can adjust alongside you—or whether he expects you to shrink back for his convenience.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“Silent treatment because you didn’t add cream and sugar? That’s not love—that’s control.”

“Therapy IS working. He’s reacting because the dynamic is changing, not because you’re doing something wrong.”

“A partner should grow with you, not punish you for becoming healthier.”

Most reactions acknowledge the tension: your growth is valid, and his discomfort is real—but his reactions aren’t fair or constructive.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Growth isn’t always comfortable, but it’s necessary. You’re learning how to value yourself beyond service and compliance—and that shift will challenge any imbalanced dynamic.

Your husband can either adapt to a healthier version of you, or cling to the old pattern where everything fell on your shoulders. The future depends on how you both show up as these changes continue.

What do you think?
Is this just growing pains—or a sign that the relationship depended too heavily on you overgiving? Share your thoughts below 👇