AITA for refusing to fire my affordable nanny because my ex wants “higher quality” childcare?

My ex and I share two young kids and split weekdays every other week—but now he’s demanding I replace my affordable, reliable nanny because she sometimes watches multiple kids at once, even though he refuses to pay a dime toward childcare.

My ex and I have two children, ages 5 and 7. We alternate Monday–Friday care every other week. Their school’s after-school program isn’t great, so I use a nanny named Jenna, and he usually relies on his mother. The problem is that his mom is aging and can no longer reliably handle daily pick-ups. Meanwhile, he hasn’t paid any child support in the 11 months since we separated. After our split, one of my kids’ teachers connected me with Jenna, who works mainly with single parents and low-income families. Her regular rate is $35/hour, but she offered me an alternate arrangement since I couldn’t afford that: she works for me but also offers backup care to other families. If she only has my kids, I pay $25/hour; if she has additional kids—which is 3–5 days a week—I pay $15/hour. I also help her with basic accounting, contracts, and waivers in exchange for the discounted rate.

I’m using the only childcare option I can afford, but my ex—who hasn’t paid child support—says I’m “refusing quality care” because I won’t fire Jenna and hire someone more expensive.

Jenna has a clear routine: she picks up all the kids, provides snacks, handles homework at the library, and then takes them to museums, parks, pools, splash pads, arcades, or library events before dropping them off. The kids love her. She’s reliable, structured, and affordable. But now that my ex’s mom can’t help as much, he suddenly wants “consistent childcare” and insists that means someone who cares only for our children. Jenna isn’t willing to drop her other families just to accommodate his weeks, and I can’t afford to pay her full rate or hire a different nanny. I told him I’d happily get someone new if he paid for it—but if he’s not contributing, I’m sticking with what I can afford. His response? That I’m refusing quality care because I “won’t pay more than $15 an hour,” ignoring the fact that Jenna only charges that when she has multiple kids, and I also compensate her through work she’d otherwise outsource.

"If he pays for a new nanny, I’ll switch. If he doesn’t, I can’t afford it."

He keeps telling me I’m not “working with him for the sake of the kids,” even though he still hasn’t paid child support, won’t cover childcare, and refuses the only feasible solution. Meanwhile, I’m the one coordinating childcare every week I'm responsible for them. Now I’m second-guessing myself and wondering whether sticking with Jenna makes me unreasonable, even though all she’s ever done is provide affordable, high-quality care that works for our family.

"He isn’t willing to pay a dime, but wants full control over the nanny."

I’m torn between wanting consistency for the kids and recognizing that I literally cannot afford a different setup. And it feels unfair that I'm being painted as “difficult” for using the only childcare option I can realistically pay for—especially when he has contributed nothing toward shared expenses.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, Jenna is still my nanny, and the kids are thriving with her routine. My ex is frustrated because his mom can no longer reliably cover childcare on his weeks, yet he still refuses to pay for a nanny of his choosing.

His argument is that “consistent childcare” means hiring someone who watches only our kids—but only if I’m the one paying for it. Because Jenna won’t rearrange her entire client list to cater only to his schedule, he claims I’m undermining what’s “best for the kids.”

The result is more tension between us, with him casting me as uncooperative while I try to stretch every dollar and provide reliable care. Meanwhile, the real inconsistency is his refusal to contribute financially while demanding control over the solution.

"He wants premium childcare on a zero-dollar budget—mine."

It’s exhausting to be told I’m not prioritizing the kids when I’m the only one actually paying for their childcare and managing it responsibly.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This conflict isn’t really about childcare—it’s about responsibility, control, and financial reality. My ex wants decision-making power while contributing nothing to the solution. And because I can’t magically afford a private nanny at full rate, he frames me as uncooperative.

Could I switch nannies? Yes—if he paid for it, or even contributed. But I’m already stretching my resources and supporting a caregiver the kids adore. It’s hard not to feel frustrated when the person doing the least demands the most.

Reasonable people may differ on ideal childcare setups, but expecting premium services without paying for them isn’t co-parenting—it’s entitlement. I just want stability for the kids, but I also have to live within my means.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“He hasn’t paid child support. He doesn’t get to dictate the childcare you pay for.”

“Jenna sounds amazing. He just doesn’t like that she isn’t exclusive to your kids.”

“If he wants a pricier nanny, he can write a check. This is a him problem.”

Most responses emphasize that cost, labor, and responsibility matter—and that you’re already carrying the load while he contributes nothing but criticism.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Childcare is expensive, and doing what’s sustainable doesn’t make you unreasonable—it makes you responsible. You can’t be expected to hire premium help on a single income while he refuses to contribute.

Your kids have a nanny they love, a routine that works, and stability during your weeks. If he wants something different, he needs to step up financially—not just demand more from you.

What do you think?
Should I stick with Jenna, or give in to my ex’s demands even though he won’t pay? Share your thoughts below 👇