AITA for refusing to change my birthday dinner restaurant to suit my picky stepfamily’s demands?

For years every “family meal” and birthday dinner had to be at the same fast food spots to cater to my stepmom and her son’s allergies and extreme pickiness. When I finally chose my own restaurant for my 22nd birthday and refused to change it—or travel out of state for them—it blew up into family drama.

My dad married Kathleen when I (22M) was 15. She came with two kids: a daughter I’ve never met, and a son, Benjamin (now 18M). Benjamin is allergic to peanuts and shellfish, which is obviously serious—but on top of that, both he and Kathleen are incredibly picky eaters. When I lived with them, Benjamin’s diet was basically pizza, fries, burgers, and beef-and-cheese tacos. No fruits, no vegetables, and no meat other than beef. He’d still eat chocolate, ice cream, and junk, and he was terrible about checking labels. He had several allergic reactions while we lived together, including one so bad he was rushed to the hospital and stayed there for a week.

For my whole teen life, every “family” meal revolved around Kathleen and Benjamin’s restrictions and pickiness—so for my 22nd birthday, I finally chose a restaurant I wanted and said we either eat there or they don’t come.

Kathleen is extremely picky too. She refuses fish, potatoes, rice, pasta, bread, and a bunch of other staples. Between her and Benjamin’s allergies and preferences, we basically only had two fast food places we could go where she could order a salad and he could get pizza or burgers. The food was never great, but what made it worse was that every time we ordered out for my birthday or went out to celebrate, it was always one of those same spots. Even taco places weren’t an option unless they stripped everything “extra” off Benjamin’s food except meat and cheese, and sometimes he’d still complain about “gross shit” that made it onto his plate. Any time a “family meal” was planned, it meant everyone defaulted to their limited choices—and they were loud and judgmental about what other people ate too.

"Even my own birthday dinners were stuck at the same two fast food places because that’s all they’d accept."

As I got older, I stopped going to those “family” meals because I was tired of everything revolving around them. A few weeks ago, I planned a birthday dinner with my girlfriend, some family, and friends at a restaurant I actually like. My dad wanted to come and assumed Kathleen and Benjamin would be invited too. I said that was fine—as long as they were willing to eat at the restaurant I’d chosen. Then I got an email from Kathleen and calls from my dad. The message was that my restaurant “did not meet the needs and requirements” of Benjamin and Kathleen, and they asked if I and the rest of my guests would travel out of state for my own birthday dinner so we could go to one of their approved places instead.

"My answer was no—Dad could still come, but I was not changing where I have MY birthday dinner."

I told my dad he was still welcome, but the restaurant wasn’t changing. Kathleen sent another email accusing me of being “hostile” like her daughter and saying I should care more about my family’s health and interests. They got even more upset when they learned some of my dad’s relatives had flown out to join us for dinner and were happy to eat at my chosen place, especially since those relatives usually decline their invitations to eat out. Now I’m getting flak from Kathleen and my dad for “excluding” them and making things difficult because I wouldn’t rearrange my whole birthday for their preferences.

🏠 The Aftermath

In the end, my birthday dinner went ahead exactly where I’d planned it. My girlfriend, friends, and the relatives who flew in all came, and we had a good time without having to tiptoe around Kathleen and Benjamin’s demands. My dad and Kathleen didn’t show up, since they refused to eat there.

Afterward, my dad and Kathleen were angry that I’d held firm—and even angrier that some of his side of the family made the effort to join us when they typically avoid group meals with them. From their perspective, I put my “selfish” restaurant choice above Benjamin’s allergies and Kathleen’s preferences, and I embarrassed them in front of extended family.

From my perspective, I finally had one birthday where I wasn’t stuck at the same two fast food spots just so they could get salad and plain burgers. They were invited and chose not to come rather than attend a celebration that wasn’t built entirely around them.

"They weren’t banned—they just refused to show up unless the entire party revolved around their limited menu."

The fallout now is tension with my dad and Kathleen, who think I’m being hostile and unfair. Meanwhile, I’m wondering if I was wrong to finally draw a line and say that at least my own birthday could be about what I actually want to eat.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t a simple “allergies vs no allergies” issue; it’s about the difference between managing a real medical condition and letting one person’s diet and another’s pickiness control every shared experience. Benjamin’s allergies are serious, but Kathleen and Benjamin have also used them—plus their preferences—as the default excuse for why everyone must always eat where they’re comfortable.

There’s also a long history here: years of my birthdays and family meals being quietly sacrificed to the same two acceptable fast food spots while they mocked other people’s food and refused to compromise. Eventually, that builds resentment. Saying “it’s my birthday, and I want to choose the restaurant this time” isn’t about punishing them—it’s about finally having a say in my own celebration.

Reasonable people may disagree on how far accommodation should go, but expecting an entire group to travel out of state or change venues just to satisfy two extremely limited eaters, when they were already invited and could choose to attend or not, crosses from reasonable accommodation into control.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“Allergies need respect, but they don’t entitle someone to dictate every restaurant for years—especially not on your birthday.”

“They were invited and chose not to come. That’s not you excluding them—that’s them refusing to attend anything that isn’t centered on them.”

“Asking your entire party to travel out of state so they can have their preferred fast food is wildly unreasonable.”

Reactions will likely focus on the long pattern of catering to Kathleen and Benjamin, the difference between accommodation and control, and your right to have at least one birthday where your preferences actually matter.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Balancing real medical needs with everyone else’s autonomy is tricky, but there’s a line between being considerate and letting your own life be constantly hijacked. After years of letting your celebrations default to someone else’s comfort, choosing one restaurant you actually like is a reasonable boundary, not an attack.

In the end, they made their choice: they could have come, eaten simply, or joined just for the company, but they decided that if everything wasn’t tailored to them, it wasn’t worth attending. That says more about their priorities than about yours.

What do you think?
Would you have changed your birthday plans to keep the peace, or held your ground like this and let them decide whether to show up? Share your thoughts below 👇