AITA for refusing to invite my mom to my wedding because she refuses to come without my stepdad?

My mom remarried a man who banned any mention of my late dad and tried to control our relationship with dad’s family. She told us we couldn’t have a relationship with her if we didn’t accept him—so now that I’m engaged and won’t invite him, I told her that means she won’t be invited either.

I’m 27M, my sister is 29F. Our dad died when I was 10 and she was 12. Five years later, when I was 15, our mom remarried a guy I’ll call Frank. From the start, my sister and I had problems with him—some small, some huge. The two biggest were that he absolutely refused to let anyone mention our dad in his presence, and he tried to insert himself into and control our relationship with our dad’s side of the family. If he was around, even on Dad’s birthday or the anniversary of his death, we weren’t allowed to talk about him. If we asked Mom in front of Frank whether she wanted to visit Dad’s grave, that alone was an issue. He even yelled at my sister at her graduation dinner because she mentioned Dad in her speech. On top of that, any time we wanted to see relatives from Dad’s side, he acted like we needed his permission, tagged along uninvited, and if they didn’t want him there, he’d say then we couldn’t go in either. Mom went along with all of it and didn’t defend us or our relationship with our dad’s family.

My mom told us we could only have a relationship with her if we accepted Frank—and now that I’m engaged, I’m just taking her at her word.

Over the years my sister and I tried talking to Mom about how controlling and disrespectful Frank was. We told her plainly that we did not want a relationship with him. Her response was always the same: if we wanted a relationship with her, we had to have one with him. She made it clear that they were a package deal. So, we took her at her word. My sister moved out first and cut contact; I did the same once I left home. We stopped going over for holidays, didn’t invite them to anything, and when Mom complained that we were “bad at maintaining the relationship,” we pointed out we were just honoring what she said. She tried to visit a few times, but when we said “no Frank,” she chose not to come. We let her birthdays pass quietly and made a point not to engage with anything involving him.

"You said we needed a relationship with Frank to have one with you—I’m just respecting that boundary."

A few weeks ago I got engaged. I didn’t tell my mom; the news reached her through someone else. She was upset she hadn’t heard it from me and wanted to throw an engagement party, even though she’s never met my fiancée. She also asked how she was supposed to meet her for the first time at the wedding. That’s when I told her she wasn’t supposed to—because she wouldn’t be invited. She was stunned and demanded to know why. I told her Frank is not welcome at my wedding and reminded her that she has always said she won’t come anywhere he isn’t invited. I also told her there’s no way I’m having a relationship with the man who banned my dad’s name and tried to control my bond with my father’s family.

"I can live with the consequences of not accepting Frank—and I sleep just fine at night."

Mom said we were supposed to love her enough to accept Frank. I told her Dad is still my dad, that I’ll incorporate his memory into my wedding somehow, and asked if she really thinks Frank would tolerate that without another outburst, like at my sister’s graduation. She told me she doesn’t want to lose both her kids and that she loves us. I told her we love her too, but we’re not willing to accept the man she chose to marry. When I reminded her of her own “no relationship with me without him” stance, she said bringing that up now was unfair and that we could have “talked about it more” back then. I told her these are the consequences of her choices, and while I can live with them, it’s not my problem if she can’t. Now, she’s angry and sees me as the bad guy.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, my mom is hurt and furious that she isn’t invited to my wedding, and even more upset that I’m completely firm on Frank not being welcome. From her point of view, I’m punishing her for choosing a partner and not giving her a chance to fix things “now that it’s gone too far.”

From my side, this isn’t a sudden decision. For years she let Frank erase my dad’s memory in his presence and tried to dictate how I interacted with my own family. When we pushed back, she drew a hard line: no relationship with her without him. My sister and I believed her and adjusted our lives accordingly. The wedding is just the first big event where that line becomes publicly visible.

Practically, nothing has really changed. My sister and I still see Dad’s family on our terms, Mom stays with Frank, and contact between us and her remains minimal. Emotionally, though, this has forced her to confront the fact that we meant what we said—and that her choice to center Frank in everything has real consequences.

"She chose to make him the price of admission to her life—I just stopped paying it."

Whether she decides to rethink that condition or doubles down on it is now up to her. I’m prepared for her not to be at my wedding if it means I don’t have to invite someone who disrespected my dad’s memory and tried to control my grief.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t just a “don’t like my stepdad” story; it’s about grief, control, and loyalty. My mom’s husband didn’t just ask for respect—he tried to erase my father’s presence from our lives when he was around and put himself in the middle of our relationship with Dad’s family. Mom backed that behavior, and then tied access to her to acceptance of him.

Could I have tried to renegotiate the terms now that I’m older and getting married? Maybe. But every attempt to talk about Frank over the years went nowhere, and she made a very clear, repeated ultimatum: him or nothing. At some point, taking people at their word is less spite and more self-preservation, especially when it involves the memory of a parent you lost young.

Reasonable people might argue that a wedding is big enough to warrant a one-day exception, or that I should allow her to attend solo even if he’s uninvited. Others will say that someone who polices your grief and your family ties doesn’t get a front row seat to your future. The common thread is that boundaries, once finally enforced, rarely feel comfortable to the person who drew the original line.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“He banned your dad’s name and controlled your visits with your own family—there’s no reason he deserves a spot at your wedding.”

“Your mom made the ultimatum. You’re just honoring it now that it actually costs her something.”

“Invite your mom without him if you want—but you’re not an AH for refusing to let someone who disrespected your dad be there.”

Most reactions are likely to focus on Frank’s controlling behavior, your mom’s decision to prioritize his comfort over your grief, and your right to curate your wedding guest list around people who respect your boundaries and your father’s memory.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Weddings tend to expose long-buried family dynamics, and in this case, yours has forced a reckoning with a line your mom drew years ago. Refusing to invite Frank isn’t about pettiness—it’s about refusing to reward someone who tried to erase your dad and police your relationships.

Whether your mom ultimately chooses to come without him or stay away is her decision. You’ve made yours: honor your father, protect your peace, and build a future that isn’t shaped by someone else’s control issues.

What do you think?
Should OP offer his mom a solo invitation as a compromise, or stand firm that her “Frank or nothing” rule applies to the wedding too? Share your thoughts below 👇