AITA for refusing to name my daughter after my stepmom and telling my dad his grief doesn’t control our baby’s name?

My dad assumed my wife and I would honor his late wife by naming our baby after her, and when he learned we aren’t, he accused me of disrespecting the family and invalidating his grief.

I’m 28M, and my relationship with my dad has always been complicated. My mom died when I was five, and he was already remarried with another child. Instead of helping me grieve, he acted like the best plan was for me to “move on” and fully assimilate into his new family. Any mention of my mom made him uncomfortable. When I was 13, he even sat me down and told me to ask his wife to adopt me—claiming she had done “everything a real mother should” and that it was time for me to acknowledge her by making it official. When I refused, he threw an actual tantrum and never brought it up again, but the tension lingered for years.

I grew up being told to forget my mom, but now that my dad is grieving, he expects me to put his feelings first—even when it comes to naming my child.

His wife died 3.5 years ago, right when I was engaged and planning my wedding. Six months after she passed, my dad asked how I could possibly continue planning. He thought the wedding would be postponed for years. I told him I wasn’t delaying my life. He never mentioned it again, but clearly the resentment sat there under the surface. Now my wife and I are expecting our first child, a daughter. My wife loves nature names, and my mom had a nature name—so we decided to honor her. We haven’t told anyone yet. But during a family dinner, when someone asked about baby names, I said we had a maybe but weren’t sharing until she arrived. My dad got annoyed and said there was no point pretending—we all knew the baby would be named after his late wife.

"He told me if I respected the family, I'd name my daughter after his wife."

I told him he didn’t know that, because he didn’t. That set him off. He said he was grieving, my siblings were grieving, and I needed to take that into account. I told him that had nothing to do with our baby’s name. He demanded a 1:1 talk later, where he basically accused me of secretly planning to name my daughter after “that woman”—my mom. He said a good son would honor the woman who raised him and put her name first, not the biological mother who “wasn’t around long.” That was the moment I reminded him: my grief at age five didn’t matter to him. So why does his grief now get priority over the name my wife and I choose for our child?

"My grief didn't matter when I was five—why should yours dictate my baby's name now?"

He has since accused me of being insensitive, invalidating his grief, and being a disrespectful son. I told him there would be no more conversations about the baby’s name because it’s not his decision, and he doesn’t get veto power based on his feelings. Now the tension is sky-high, and I can tell he’s waiting for me to cave. I'm not going to, but I still wonder if I handled this harshly.

🏠 The Aftermath

My dad is still upset and insists I’m disregarding the woman who “raised me” by refusing to name my child after her. Meanwhile, the rest of the family is uncomfortable, unsure whether to take sides or ignore the conflict altogether.

He believes honoring his wife is the only “respectful” option, and anything else—including naming the baby after my mom—is a personal attack on him. Instead of acknowledging my perspective, he’s doubling down and portraying himself as the one being hurt.

The result is distance: I’m keeping boundaries around the topic, and he’s pulling further into resentment because he can’t control the decision the way he expected to.

"He wants his grief to rewrite my child's identity, and I can't let that happen."

It hurts that he’s framing this as disrespect when it’s really about my right to honor my own mother and make choices with my wife, not him. But I’m also relieved I stood firm this time instead of disappearing into his expectations.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This conflict isn’t really about a name—it’s about decades of unacknowledged grief, pressure to replace your mom, and your dad’s expectation that his emotional needs outweigh yours.

Your dad’s pain is real, but so is yours. The difference is that he tried to erase your mother, while you’re simply honoring a woman who meant everything to you in the short time you had her. Boundaries around your child’s identity are healthy, especially when someone is trying to use grief as leverage.

A baby’s name should come from love, not obligation, guilt, or hierarchy—and it’s reasonable to protect that decision from outside pressure, even when it’s coming from a parent.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“Your dad dismissed your grief for years—he doesn’t get to control how you honor your mom now.”

“Naming your kid is between you and your wife, full stop. His loss doesn’t override your autonomy.”

“He’s not grieving the name—he’s grieving his inability to control the narrative he pushed your whole childhood.”

Most people would see your boundary as healthy, especially given the pressure you grew up under and the emotional weight surrounding both women’s memories.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Naming a child should be an act of love and meaning, not a performance to satisfy someone else’s expectations. You’re allowed to honor your mother, and you’re allowed to make choices without managing your dad’s grief for him.

It’s painful when parents try to rewrite the past, but raising your own child gives you the chance to break that cycle—and build a family culture rooted in honesty and respect.

What do you think?
Is the dad grieving, controlling, or both? And how would you handle naming a child in a situation like this? Share your thoughts below 👇