AITA for telling my mom her husband is “just the guy she cheated on my dad with” when she wanted him to walk me down the aisle?

My mom had an affair when I was 10, married the affair partner, and now, almost two decades later, she expects me to treat him like my dad and give him father-of-the-bride honors. I finally told her exactly how I see him.

I’m 27F now, but when I was 10 my parents divorced because my mom had an affair. I didn’t just “find out” through whispers—my mom’s affair partner was also married, and his then-wife literally showed up at our house screaming about the affair. She came more than once, had to be removed by the cops, and made it impossible for anyone to pretend I didn’t know what was going on. For years my mom blamed my dad for me knowing until, at 14, I told her I wasn’t deaf and understood what that woman was yelling outside. My relationship with my mom has been strained ever since. I never cared about her husband; he tried to play the dad role, but I shut him down every time by reminding him I already have a dad and he doesn’t get to “replace” him after helping blow up our family. I know my mom made her own choices, but it still felt like a slap in the face watching him try to step into a parental role he never earned.

My mom cheated, married the affair partner, and has spent years trying to rewrite history so he can be my “dad” — but when she expected him to get father-of-the-bride honors, I finally called him what he is to me: the man she cheated with, nothing more.

When I was 19, my dad died. It was devastating, and I chose not to tell my mom about his death or the funeral. She found out afterward and was furious I hadn’t “given her the chance” to be there for me, but I didn’t want my mom and her affair partner at my dad’s funeral. I told her their support wasn’t wanted in that moment, especially not when I was saying goodbye to my actual father. Even after that, she clung to this idea that, with my dad gone, her husband would eventually become my “father figure.” Fast-forward to my wedding: she and her husband fully expected he’d get father-of-the-bride honors and walk me down the aisle. Instead, I asked my grandfather. When she found out, she lost it and demanded to know what I was thinking, insisting her husband had been there “raising” me since I was 10 and was more than “some random guy.”

"He’s not just some random guy — he’s the man you cheated on my dad with. Nothing more."

That’s when I told her she was partly right: he isn’t just some random guy—he’s the guy she cheated on my dad with, and that’s all he’ll ever be to me. She called the description childish and vindictive, told me I needed to “get the f_ck over it,” and accused me of trying to punish them for an affair that had “nothing to do with me.” I told her this wasn’t about punishment; it was about consequences. She made choices that blew up our family, and my feelings about her husband are part of what she has to live with now.

"This isn’t punishment. These are consequences, and you both have to live with them."

She’s still raging about what I said, insisting I’m being cruel and refusing to acknowledge my perspective as the kid whose life was torn apart. I don’t feel bad about drawing the line, but I do find myself wondering if saying it that bluntly made me an AH—or if I finally just spoke aloud what’s been true for years.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, my mom is furious and hurt. She’s clinging to the narrative that her husband “raised” me and deserves the emotional role and honors that come with being a father, including walking me down the aisle. My refusal, and my blunt words, shattered that fantasy for her.

On my side, the line is clear: my dad was my dad, my grandfather is the one I chose to honor in his absence, and her husband is permanently tied in my mind to the affair that changed my childhood. I’m not cutting her off, but I’m not rewriting history to make her feel better either.

The fallout is mostly emotional—lots of accusations from her about me being vindictive, and a firm sense on my part that this is simply the long-term consequence of choices she made when I was a kid and she was willing to risk our family for an affair.

"You don’t get to destroy my family and then demand the same place in it you would have had if you hadn’t."

It hurts to see how little she seems to understand the impact this all had on me, but it also feels like a relief not to keep pretending her husband is something he isn’t in my life.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t just about one wedding honor—it’s about years of unresolved hurt and a parent who wants to skip straight to forgiveness and gratitude without acknowledging what her choices cost her child. To my mom, the affair is “in the past” and separate from her relationship with me. To me, it’s the reason my family broke apart and why her husband will never feel like a safe parental figure.

Could my delivery have been softer? Probably. But she’s also spent years minimizing what happened and insisting her husband is more to me than he actually is. Drawing a hard boundary and naming how I see him may sound harsh, but it’s honest—and it reflects the relationship we actually have, not the one she wishes existed.

Reasonable people can disagree about how blunt adult children should be when confronting parents about old wounds, but at the end of the day, you can’t control how someone feels about the person you chose to cheat with, especially when you tried to make that person their “new dad.”

Here’s how the community might see it:

“She blew up your family and now wants a reward role for the man she did it with. You’re allowed to say no.”

“Your wording was sharp, but not untrue. She’s mad at the reality, not just at your tone.”

“Actions have consequences. She doesn’t get to erase your hurt just because it’s inconvenient at wedding time.”

Most people will likely see this as a clash between a parent who wants her past cleaned up and a daughter who’s still living with its emotional fallout—and who finally drew a firm line around her wedding and her grief for her dad.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Affairs don’t just end marriages—they rewrite childhoods. It’s not petty or vindictive to acknowledge that, especially when you’re being asked to bestow symbolic honors on the person who was part of that destruction.

Your mom is free to love her husband and build a life with him, but you’re just as free to decide what place, if any, he holds in your story. Honesty may hurt, but pretending would hurt you more.

What do you think?
Was I too harsh in how I said it, or just finally honest about what he’ll always be to me? Share your thoughts below 👇