AITA for telling my unemployed SO to leave after he shut me out while I was grieving my father?

After a year of carrying full-time work, family loss, two estates, and an unresponsive partner, I finally snapped and told my SO he should leave — and now I’m questioning whether I was wrong.

Nearly a year ago, my SO and I moved back to our home state after seven years of him insisting he hated where we lived. Since then, I’ve been working full-time in a demanding job I genuinely love, while he’s been unemployed for over a year, having applied to maybe 15 jobs total. We moved to be closer to family, which seemed positive at first — until my stepmother died in August, leaving behind a hoarder-level situation I had to handle out of state. I thought that would be the hardest part of the year. Weeks later, my dad was hospitalized. I’d used all my leave already but visited whenever possible. The day after he was released against family wishes, I found him dead when I came to bring him soup. Since then, I’ve been grieving while handling two estates with no wills and working full-time.

I’m the woman grieving my father, managing two estates, working full-time, and trying to keep my family afloat — while my SO shuts down emotionally and gets angry about having to make dinner.

Throughout everything — grief, legal chaos, work — my SO has been “supportive,” but only to a point. He repeatedly complained about “having” to make dinner some nights, despite being unemployed, despite me working and handling estates, and despite the fact that I cooked full-time for 12 years while also being our son’s primary caregiver. When I gently pointed out that his comment hurt, he spiraled into his usual shutdown pattern: defensive, cold, withdrawn, reactive, depressed. I spent days trying to talk, thanking him for helping, acknowledging he was hurting too — and still he froze me out.

"Why can't we just act like everything is fine?"

After a long day of reporting my dad’s death to creditors and managing estate tasks, my son cut me off at dinner when I tried to teach better communication. He and my SO both snapped and shut me out. Overwhelmed, I grabbed my coat, went for a walk, and left my phone at home. When I came back, my son and I patched things up. But my SO stayed cold and combative. Every attempt at communication was met with “that didn’t happen,” “you’re being mean,” or “that’s so fucked up to put pressure on me.” When I cried and asked why he was being so cold while I was grieving, he fired back that I didn’t care he “had” to make dinner. Eventually I snapped and said maybe he should leave.

"He knows I'm barely functioning… but I'm the selfish one because my weekend cooking is 'just pasta'?"

Four years ago we nearly divorced because of this same emotional shutdown pattern rooted in unresolved trauma. He promised therapy, promised to work on communication, promised to apply for jobs, promised to stop drinking until he passed out on the couch nightly. Now I’m in a hotel drinking wine from a plastic cup, wondering if I’m losing my mind — or finally seeing things clearly. I love him, but I feel completely alone.

🏠 The Aftermath

Tonight ended with me in a hotel, my SO at home, and no resolution. My son and I reconciled quickly, but my SO shut down harder. Instead of acknowledging my grief, workload, or emotional exhaustion, he fixated on dinner and accused me of being selfish. The pattern — shutdown, defensiveness, rewriting events — resurfaced.

There’s no big blow-up beyond that, no dramatic fight — just silence, coldness, and walls where support should have been. I’m questioning everything: our partnership, my sanity, and whether I’ve been carrying far more than I realized.

The immediate consequence is separation for the night and the painful consideration of whether asking him to leave was an overreaction or long overdue.

"I'm grieving, working full-time, managing two estates — and I'm the problem because he has to make dinner?"

I’m emotionally raw, deeply hurt, and facing the very real question of whether this relationship can survive if emotional shutdown is his only response to conflict.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t about dinner. It’s about emotional availability, consistency, and how partners show up when life hits hard. You’re grieving a major loss while carrying the financial, logistical, and emotional load of your household. Your SO is struggling with his own unresolved trauma, unemployment, and insecurity — but instead of working through it, he shuts down and redirects the hurt back onto you.

Your reaction wasn’t irrational; it was the breaking point of months (and years) of imbalance. His wasn’t malicious, but it was avoidant, self-protective, and ultimately isolating. This is a conflict born from mismatched coping styles and years of unresolved patterns.

You’re not insane — you’re overwhelmed, grieving, exhausted, and unsupported by the person who should be your partner. Whether you stay together or not, your feelings are real and justified.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“You’re grieving and carrying everything — he needs to step up or seek help, not shut down.”

“His trauma doesn’t excuse the pattern. If he refuses therapy, you’re not wrong to consider asking him to leave.”

“This isn’t about one blow-up — it’s years of imbalance piling up until you cracked.”

Most reactions would likely validate your exhaustion and grief while still acknowledging your SO’s internal struggles — but emphasizing that shutdowns can’t replace communication forever.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You’re not a villain for reaching a breaking point. Losing a parent, handling estates, working full-time, and managing a household is overwhelming even with a supportive partner. Without one, it’s crushing.

Whether you ask him to leave or try again with firm boundaries and professional help, you deserve a relationship where communication flows and support goes both ways.

What do you think?
Was asking him to leave a necessary boundary — or a reaction to grief and exhaustion? Share your thoughts below 👇