AITA for refusing to enforce my ex’s girlfriend’s punishment and taking my kids trick-or-treating anyway?

My kids came home crying because their dad’s girlfriend grounded them from trick-or-treating — and I’m being told I must uphold the punishment even though no one will give me a real reason.

My children (5 and 3) came home this morning after spending Monday until today with their dad. His girlfriend of seven months dropped them off and immediately told me they were grounded and not allowed to go trick-or-treating tonight. She said I had to enforce the punishment to show we present “a united front.” When I asked what they did, she only said they “weren’t listening” and “made a huge mess.” My kids were crying their eyes out, and those vague reasons didn’t feel like enough — especially considering their ages and challenges. My 5-year-old has a very short attention span and is being evaluated for ADHD. My 3-year-old hyper-fixates and struggles with transitions. I asked the girlfriend again for specifics, privately so the kids wouldn’t hear, but she refused to explain. I told her I wouldn’t enforce a punishment without knowing what actually happened.

I’m being told I must stick to their punishment “as a united front,” but no one will give me a valid explanation — and the reason I finally got makes the whole thing feel unfair and punishing for no reason.

When she went back to my ex, he told me I had “no right to undermine them” and that I should respect whatever punishments they set, just like he would if I grounded them. The thing is — I don’t ground them at this age. I use different, age-appropriate methods, and they’re with me 90% of the time. I pressed him on what actually happened and finally he told me: the kids didn’t listen while carving pumpkins and got gunk everywhere. They played with the inside of the pumpkin, didn’t wash their hands, and then ran to the living room and wiped them on the sofa because Paw Patrol came on. That’s what they want me to cancel Halloween over, including my daughter’s first trick-or-treating since she was sick last year.

"They are 5 and 3 — making a mess is not grounds for cancelling Halloween."

My kids were sobbing. My 5-year-old genuinely struggles to follow multi-step instructions and is being evaluated for possible ADD. My 3-year-old hyper-fixates and has trouble shifting gears. None of this is “they’re naughty” — it’s developmentally normal, especially with their specific challenges. Punishing them by taking away a holiday feels disproportionate and cruel. I told my ex I’m not continuing a punishment I don’t find reasonable, especially without a real explanation.

"I will not enforce a punishment without a valid reason — especially when they refused to tell me what happened."

Now my ex and his girlfriend are furious, accusing me of undermining them. But I’m just trying to protect my young children from an unfair punishment rooted in a mess and some excitement over a TV show — not defiance. And trick-or-treating is supposed to be fun and magical at this age.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now my ex and his girlfriend are accusing me of disrespecting their parenting and refusing to support their discipline. They’re upset, texting, and insisting I must present a “united front.” Meanwhile my children are heartbroken, confused, and distressed after being told they can’t go trick-or-treating.

At their dad’s house: they were punished for making a mess while pumpkin carving, and his girlfriend refused to explain the details. At my house: I’m trying to comfort two devastated little kids who don’t understand why a normal child-like mess means no Halloween.

Concrete consequences now include conflict with my ex, tension with his girlfriend, and two small children afraid they’ve done something terrible when really they acted their age.

"It’s my daughter’s first real Halloween — and she’s being told she can’t go because of pumpkin gunk."

I’m not trying to undermine anyone. I just want discipline to make sense, be proportional, and consider developmental needs — not shame or crush their excitement.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t about “undermining” — it’s about proportional discipline, developmental realities, and respecting co-parent boundaries. Punishments should teach, not devastate. And grounding toddlers from Halloween over pumpkin mess is far from logical.

I understand the desire for consistency between homes, but that requires communication and reasonable standards — not vague accusations and refusal to explain. My ex’s girlfriend is not a co-parent, and seven months together doesn’t automatically give her authority over major consequences.

Some will argue unity matters; others will say the primary caregiver makes the final call. But for me, the emotional wellbeing of two very young kids outweighs strict adherence to an unfair rule set by someone who wouldn’t justify it.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“Punishing toddlers by cancelling Halloween is wildly disproportionate. Take them out.”

“You can’t enforce a punishment you weren’t even told the reason for. That’s not co-parenting — that’s control.”

“A mess during pumpkin carving? Completely normal. Your ex’s girlfriend massively overstepped.”

Most commenters would likely emphasize reasonableness, child development, and the limits of a new girlfriend’s authority in shared parenting dynamics.

🌱 Final Thoughts

The punishment doesn’t fit the behavior, and your kids are too young to understand such a heavy consequence. Their emotional wellbeing should come first, not appeasing a new partner’s desire for control or appearance of authority.

Taking them trick-or-treating seems like the kinder, more developmentally appropriate choice — especially when the original “offense” was simply kids being kids during pumpkin carving.

What do you think?
Would you enforce the punishment for the sake of unity, or take the kids out and let them enjoy Halloween? Share your thoughts below 👇