AITA for refusing to go on our family holiday unless my daughter’s bully is disinvited?

Every year my extended family takes a two-week trip before Christmas — this year I’m refusing to go unless Jeff, the teen who has terrorized my daughter, is not invited. Now the family is split and my daughter is having panic attacks.

I (43M) am very close to my big family — siblings, their spouses, kids, and our parents. Every year we take a two-week vacation at this time of year and come back right before Christmas; we’re supposed to leave a week from today. I’m a divorced single dad to my daughter Emily (15F). She’s a self-described nerd who likes anime, video games, and Star Wars. She’s been bullied in the past but handled it better in high school — except for one boy, Jeff (about 16M), who has escalated from name-calling to physical abuse. We’ve met with the school and his parents, changed her classes, and still he pulled her hair, ripped her clothes, destroyed her things, and even stole her backpack and shoved it in a toilet, which led to a fight and suspension last year.

I love my family and their tradition, but I refused to go on this year’s trip unless Jeff — who repeatedly harassed and assaulted my daughter — is not invited; when I said no, the family erupted and my daughter had a panic attack.

When my sister mentioned buying Jeff a winter coat because he’d be coming on the trip, I snapped and blurted out that we weren’t going. She begged about tradition and family, and I agreed I’d cover my share of costs but said we wouldn’t attend if Jeff was going. After more talking I said I’d go only if they disinvited Jeff. I know Jeff’s home life is troubled — his parents are divorced and emotionally unstable, and his mother has blamed my daughter during past meetings — and I feel for him, but his behavior toward Emily has been violent and ongoing despite school involvement and class changes.

"I told my sister I’ll eat my portion of the cost, but we are not going."

My sister offered excuses — different upbringing, rough home life, maybe a crush — and tried to justify him going. I told her again that I respect Jeff’s situation but I will not put my daughter in the same house with her tormentor for two weeks. I went home firm in my decision. That set off chaos: family members are split, my parents are begging me to attend, and my phone is constantly buzzing. Most importantly, my daughter told me she won’t go if Jeff is there and had a full panic attack over it.

"Why does that mean I have to put my daughter in a house with her tormentor for two weeks?"

I’m wondering if I overreacted or if I’m justified — maybe I’m asking for validation or a wake-up call. My daughter’s safety and mental health are my priority, and the idea of a two-week stay with Jeff terrifies her. But now the family is fractured and everyone wants me to compromise for tradition’s sake.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now the family is split: some relatives pressure me to attend to preserve tradition, others sympathize. My parents are urging us to go; my sister is upset I vetoed Jeff. My daughter is adamant she won’t attend if he’s there and recently had a panic attack at the thought of sharing space with him.

If I stick to my stance, the consequence is a family holiday without one of their members, strained relationships, and a lot of hurt feelings. If I relent, the consequence is risking my daughter’s wellbeing and exposing her to the person who has harmed her before.

Concrete outcomes so far: heated family texts, parental pleas, and my daughter feeling unsafe and emotionally overwhelmed ahead of a trip that’s supposed to be joyful.

"My daughter had a full blown panic attack — she’s not going if Jeff is going."

I’m trying to balance compassion for Jeff’s difficult home life with my duty to protect my daughter. That tension is tearing the family apart right now.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is a classic clash between protecting a vulnerable kid and maintaining family traditions. My duty as a parent is to keep my daughter safe; that duty doesn’t vanish because Jeff also had a rough upbringing. That said, I feel for Jeff’s situation and understand why relatives want to help him — but not at the expense of Emily’s safety and mental health.

I could be perceived as inflexible or uncompassionate, but when a child has a documented history of physical aggression toward my daughter, the risk feels too high. The family’s insistence on tradition is understandable, but traditions shouldn’t require trauma.

Reasonable alternatives might include insisting on Jeff being disinvited, arranging separate accommodations, or having strict boundaries and supervision — but given the history, I don’t trust a two-week shared space to be safe for Emily.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“You’re protecting your kid. Two weeks in the same house with someone who’s assaulted her before is not reasonable to expect.”

“I get wanting to help Jeff, but family breaks and mental health aren’t worth forcing on your daughter.”

“Maybe suggest a compromise: Jeff gets help and supervised visits, but not full inclusion while Emily is present.”

Reactions would likely split between support for your parental instincts and pressure from those prioritizing family harmony or compassion for Jeff’s troubled background.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Protecting your child’s physical and emotional safety is a valid, even necessary, stance. It’s painful when that choice fractures family relationships, but your daughter’s panic and the history of physical harm make this more than a simple etiquette dispute.

If you can, offer concrete alternatives: disinvite Jeff, propose intensive supervision and zero-contact rules, or arrange for Jeff to join at another time if his behavior changes. But don’t compromise your daughter’s wellbeing for the sake of tradition.

What do you think?
Would you stand firm on protecting your kid, or try to find a family-saving compromise? Share your thoughts below 👇