WIBTA for telling my partner his "23:00 bedtime" boundary can't stand when our newborn needs me?

I returned to part-time work while my husband Brad (diagnosed with autism & ADHD) covers most daytime childcare. He insisted his bedtime is 23:00 so he can sleep, but when our baby woke during my one late lesson he refused to help — then left for work annoyed. Now I’m wondering if I’m out of line for pushing back on that boundary.

Brad and I have been together 2.5 years and had our son in January. He’s diagnosed with autism and ADHD, so communication can be tricky but we do our best. We live in Europe and because of his health situation he only works 50% while temporary health insurance covers the rest — that coverage needs frequent renewals, so the arrangement is unstable. To protect that income situation, Brad took the majority of parental days so he can keep his 50% job if anything changes. That meant I went back to part-time work from home as a private teacher and scheduled most lessons when he was home with the baby.

I juggle late lessons and baby sleep while Brad has set a strict 23:00 bedtime — when our son woke during my 23:00 student, Brad refused to stay up to help, then left for work upset that I "crossed his boundary."

Because Brad’s coverage is precarious we arranged childcare so he could take most parental days and I could do a mix of afternoon and late classes. I only have one late student at 23:00–23:30 twice a week, and we agreed beforehand that he wouldn’t schedule students past midnight so Brad could sleep. I told him I had that one 23:00 student and would try to have the baby asleep by then; he asked what I’d do if the baby woke and stressed that bedtime is 23:00 and he would go to bed regardless.

"My bedtime is 23:00, so anything past that is your problem to solve."

Last night the baby was asleep when I started the lesson, but woke up shortly after. Brad came out with the baby while I was teaching; I nursed him back to sleep and finished with the student, then went to bed after 23:30. This morning Brad avoided our usual hug and told me I’d crossed his boundary, insisting he’d said he would go to bed at 23:00 and anything past that was my responsibility. He left for work annoyed and I was left wondering whether I was unreasonable for expecting him to at least be available on nights we’d agreed to share late childcare.

"Bedtime is 23:00, and I will go to bed — you’ll have to handle it if the baby wakes."

We’d talked about this schedule before I returned to work, and I only took evening students we both agreed fit Brad’s routine. His sleep needs are legitimate and tied to his neurodivergence, but parenthood is unpredictable and sometimes sleep boundaries need flexibility. I want to raise the issue calmly — I don’t want to remove his need for rest, but I also don’t feel it’s fair to treat late-night baby care as solely my problem when we planned this arrangement together.

🏠 The Aftermath

After last night Brad left for work still annoyed and we skipped our usual goodbye hug. The baby was soothed and slept through the rest of the night, and I managed both the lesson and the feed. There hasn’t been a formal argument yet, but there’s tension: I feel unsupported, and Brad feels his boundary was ignored.

At home: I’m juggling work and infant care and trying not to resent nights when the baby doesn’t stay asleep. Brad is getting his daytime rest but also has a hard line about nights. In the short term: awkward mornings, quieter affection, and a need for a real conversation about expectations and backup plans for middle-of-the-night wakings.

Longer term consequences could be burnout for me if the pattern continues, or friction if Brad’s strict bedtime remains inflexible. We need a clearer plan for late lessons, emergencies, and how to communicate when plans break down.

"We planned this together — sometimes babies wake. Boundaries are important, but parenthood requires backup plans."

I’m relieved the baby settled and we avoided a meltdown, but the emotional fallout — feeling dismissed vs. needing rest — still needs addressing before it builds into resentment.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is a balancing act between honoring Brad’s need for predictable rest (especially with AuDHD) and the reality that newborn care is inherently unpredictable. Boundaries are healthy, but parenting requires contingency. When both partners agreed to a schedule, there should also be a clear backup plan for when the plan fails.

Could you have handled it differently? Maybe a quick check-in right after the baby woke — or writing down a contingency plan for late lessons — would reduce friction. Could Brad have framed his boundary with more empathy? Yes: a small compromise or an explicit “I’ll try to help if I can” would go a long way. Reasonable people will see both sides: protecting neurodivergent routines and protecting a parent’s need to work without fearing night wakings.

The healthy next step is a calm conversation with concrete options: a written rota for late lessons, an agreed signal for emergencies, or short-term childcare help so both of you can rest without one partner consistently bearing the load.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“Boundaries are valid, but babies aren’t predictable. You need a backup plan, not an ultimatum.”

“His sleep needs matter given AuDHD — ask for one small compromise instead of erasing his need for rest.”

“Set a written plan: who handles the first wake, what to do after 23:30, and when outside help is needed.”

Views split between upholding personal boundaries and accepting the messy reality of infant care, but most suggestions point to practical, written contingency plans rather than accusation.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You’re not wrong to expect support during agreed late lessons, and Brad isn’t wrong to value predictable rest. The problem is the lack of a clear contingency when the plan inevitably breaks. Fixing this requires empathy and structure: a calm talk, written agreements, and a small roster of backup options.

Before declaring he has “no more boundaries,” try a practical compromise: a written night plan, one or two agreed “on-call” nights a week, or short-term help when he needs solid sleep. What do you think?
Would you insist he drop the bedtime boundary completely, or negotiate a realistic backup plan that protects both of you? Share your thoughts below 👇