AITA for getting tired of my girlfriend obsessing over a friend she thinks will steal men?

I (25M) have been with Becca (24F) for six months. After meeting a group of her friends at her birthday, one friend — “Sadie” (23F) — became the center of Becca’s insecurity. Two months later, Becca still brings Sadie up constantly and it’s draining me.

We’ve been dating six months and married for two—wait, that’s not right. We’ve been together six months and I’m not married; scratch that. I’m 25M, Becca is 24F. Everything was fine until her birthday two months ago when I finally met a lot of her friends at once. It was the first time I’d been in a big group with people she’s known longer. The night seemed great until the end when she asked what I thought of her friend Sadie. I’d barely spoken to Sadie and said she seemed cool — when Becca then asked if I thought Sadie was pretty, I said yes but “not nearly as pretty as you.” I meant it as reassurance and a little joke, but Becca, who was pretty tipsy, blew it up.

I tried to reassure her, but after her birthday she started accusing Sadie of being a threat and it’s been on repeat ever since — every compliment I give or casual convo becomes about Sadie, and it’s exhausting.

The morning after the party she called me to apologise and explained Sadie is “conventionally attractive” and has a history (according to Becca) of taking men Becca wanted. I reassured her and suggested that if Sadie really behaved like that she should consider some distance. I thought that would be the end of it. Instead, Sadie has become a recurring topic: who I follow on Instagram, whether I’ve spoken to Sadie, and even random compliments I give to Becca turn into comparisons. Recently I complimented her in new jeans and she launched into a tirade about how she’d had to spend so much to look decent while Sadie looks like a supermodel in Walmart jeans.

"She keeps bringing Sadie up in every conversation."

I get that Becca has deeper insecurities and that Sadie may be an easy target for those feelings. I try to remind her regularly that she’s attractive, successful, and loved. I suggested therapy but she shrugged it off, calling it a waste. The constant comparisons and the inability to move past this are draining me — I want to support her, but it’s becoming repetitive and it’s impacting how I feel in the relationship.

"I’ve told her she’s hot and smart, but nothing seems to help."

I know it’s ultimately her issue, not mine, but I worry it's turning into a pattern that could erode us. I don’t want to gaslight her feelings, but I also don’t want to be drained by an endless loop of comparisons. I’m trying to be patient, but I’m reaching a limit and wondering whether I’m unfair for feeling pulled away by this constant fixation.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now the recurring Sadie conversations are creating distance. Becca remains defensive and continues to bring Sadie up; I’ve suggested therapy and setting boundaries, but she’s resistant. The dynamic has made everyday interactions heavier and less relaxed.

For Becca: the insecurity still feels unresolved and she’s focused on comparison and vigilance. For me: exhaustion, frustration, and a creeping sense that my reassurances aren’t enough. For the relationship: increasing tension, repeated arguments about the same theme, and a need to decide whether this is a solvable pattern.

Consequences could include further emotional distance if nothing changes, or an opportunity for growth if Becca accepts help and you both work on communication and trust.

"It’s exhausting to reassure her every time; it’s taking a toll on how I feel about the relationship."

I’m weighing whether to keep trying with patience and gentle boundaries or to push for professional help as a clear next step — and whether her refusal of therapy is a dealbreaker for me.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is a pattern where insecurity finds a visible antagonist. Sadie may be a convenient focus for Becca’s deeper issues — comparisons, fear of abandonment, or past hurts — but that doesn’t mean her feelings are illegitimate. However, when an insecurity becomes a constant conversation topic that your partner refuses to address with strategies like therapy or boundaries, it becomes a relational problem, not just a personal one.

Reasonable next steps balance empathy with limits: acknowledge her feelings, avoid dismissing them, but be clear about the toll repeated comparisons take on you. Encourage therapy as a tool, not as blame — and suggest concrete actions (limited discussion times, agreed signals when topics become repetitive, or a cooling-off rule) so both of you can protect the relationship’s emotional bandwidth.

If she refuses help and the fixation continues, you must decide whether the pattern is something you can support through or a chronic drain that undermines your ability to be present and happy in the relationship.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“She needs therapy or at least some tools to manage her jealousy — it’s not sustainable to dump this on you.”

“Validate her fears but set firm boundaries: you won’t be dragged into comparisons every time Sadie is mentioned.”

“If she refuses help and keeps gaslighting you with comparisons, that’s a relationship red flag.”

Most responses will urge a mix of compassion and clear boundaries, with many recommending therapy as a practical next step for Becca and couple’s work if the pattern persists.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You’re right to be patient and supportive, but you’re also right to notice the toll this is taking. Insecurity needs treatment and repeated reassurance alone won’t erase it. Your boundaries and emotional wellbeing matter too.

Ask for one concrete change: either she tries therapy or you both agree on limits for the Sadie conversations. If she refuses both, decide what you’re willing to tolerate long-term. Honest communication about how this affects you is the fairest next step.

What do you think?
Would you keep trying with boundaries and patience, or insist on professional help — and at what point would you walk away? Share your thoughts below 👇