AITA for not answering my dad after my family spent Christmas together without telling me?

I moved across the country recently and have been estranged from my mom for years. My parents spent December with my brother and niece — again — and I found out from a selfie. I stopped answering my dad’s calls and texts and now he’s worried; I’m hurt and unsure if I overreacted.

I’m 29F and haven’t been on good terms with my family for a long time. My mum has spent years tearing me down, and I haven’t spoken to her in almost three years. I have an okay relationship with my brother (32M) and I love my dad even though he usually enables my mum and avoids conflict. Until a few months ago I lived close by; I recently moved across the country and don’t have friends or family near me. I love holidays and used to be festive, but my family stopped celebrating and used to mock me for it, so I stopped trying. For the past decade they haven’t done anything for holidays and I learned to accept that.

I moved away and thought my family had quietly stopped celebrating — then I found out they’d been spending December with my brother and niece, and this year my dad sent a selfie from their Christmas without telling me. I stopped answering and now he’s reached out asking if I’m okay.

A couple years ago my parents bought a duplex in my brother’s town after his divorce so he and my parents could be nearby — they now spend December on his side and celebrate Christmas with my brother and my 4-year-old niece. Last year they didn’t tell me they were going; I saw it on my dad’s Facebook and felt excluded, but I let it go. This year they did the same thing. My dad called on Christmas Eve to say they were having fun and then asked what I was doing. I told him I was doing nothing and pointed out that the family was celebrating without me. He paused like he hadn’t thought of that and then quickly ended the call.

"They celebrated Christmas together and didn't even tell me."

Later he sent a selfie of the group with a “Merry Christmas from (brother's state)!” message. I didn’t answer. In fact, I stopped answering him entirely. We usually speak two to three times a week, but since Christmas Eve I haven’t responded to his calls or texts — it’s been seven days. I’ve also stayed off socials, so he can’t see me posting. Yesterday he texted “please tell me if you're ok.” I haven’t replied. I know it sounds petty, but I’m really hurt that I wasn’t even considered for the family holiday after everything that’s happened between us.

"I found out from a selfie — and then I stopped answering."

Now there’s silence. My dad has called once and texted twice since then, and he’s worried because I’m not responding. I’m alone in a new city with no friends nearby and the hurt of being left out feels magnified. Part of me wants him to understand how painful it was to be excluded; part of me wonders if I’m being childish for not answering a worried parent.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, there’s a cold quiet between me and my dad. He’s reached out worriedly, and I’ve stayed silent. My usual check-ins haven’t happened; he doesn’t know if I’m okay, and I haven’t told him. At home, I’m left alone with the ache of being excluded while they celebrated with my brother and niece.

For my dad: worry, confusion, and possibly guilt. For me: a sense of exclusion, loneliness in a new place, and a simmering resentment that led to this standoff. I’m forcing a pause in contact to protect myself emotionally, but it’s also created distance from the one family member I say I love.

Consequences include a strained connection with my dad, intensified isolation over the holidays, and the risk that the silence will become permanent unless someone reaches out differently.

"I told him I'm doing nothing while they celebrate without me — then I stopped answering."

I don’t know whether this will lead to a conversation that helps him see my side, or to a longer drifting apart. Either way, the hurt is real and I’m left trying to decide what to do next.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is painful because it mixes decades of family history with the fresh sting of being far from home. Your reaction is understandable: being excluded from a holiday your family has chosen to celebrate without you hits hard, especially after long-standing neglect and criticism from your mum. The silence is a form of self-protection — a way to make them feel the absence they created.

That said, silence also risks leaving your dad worried and without context. He may feel guilty or shocked and might genuinely be reaching out now. The compassionate route would be to state your hurt clearly when you’re ready: explain why you felt excluded, how it made you feel, and what you need moving forward. Your boundaries are valid; communication could turn this from a stalemate into a chance for understanding — if your dad is willing to listen.

Ultimately, neither stance is objectively “right” — it’s about which outcome you want: immediate relief from hurt through silence, or a difficult conversation that could open the door to repair (or at least clarity).

Here’s how the community might see it:

“You were hurt, and your reaction to protect yourself is human — but consider a gentle message so he knows you’re alive.”

“Sounds like years of being sidelined finally boiled over. He should have told you — he owes you an explanation.”

“If you want to repair things, say what you need. If you want distance, that’s valid too — but be aware of what distance costs.”

Reactions will likely split between validating your hurt and urging a small, clarifying outreach to stop the worry and open a conversation.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You were hurt by being left out of family celebrations — that pain is legitimate, especially given your history with your mum and the move far from home. Choosing silence is a natural way to protect your feelings, but it also risks deepening the distance with your dad, who may be reaching out from guilt or concern.

If you want repair, consider a short message that names the hurt and asks for a conversation when you’re ready. If you want distance, accept that as your boundary and know the cost. Either way, your feelings matter — and you get to choose how to act on them.

What do you think?
Would you reply to your dad and explain why you’re hurt, or keep the distance and wait for them to make the first move? Share your thoughts below 👇