AITA for telling my in-laws that unwanted family is worse for kids than foster care?
I spent years in foster care and even longer healing from the damage of living with relatives who didn’t want me—so when my in-laws considered taking in two kids they had no interest in, I warned them how harmful that can be.
I grew up in the foster system, entering after biological relatives took me in for a single year—a year that was far worse than the 11 I spent in foster homes afterward. They resented my parent, offered no affection, and eventually told the case worker they were done with me. That lack of love from family left deeper wounds than any foster placement. Decades later, my wife’s sister and her husband were asked to take in his two very young half-siblings. He’s never met them, doesn’t want a relationship, and only hesitated because saying no might look bad. Knowing I had lived both sides, they asked for my insight, and I told them honestly that unwanted family can do far more damage than the foster system ever did to me.
I told them from personal experience that being taken in by family who don’t want you is far more damaging than foster care, and that they shouldn’t say yes just to avoid looking bad.
Growing up, I heard nonstop that family love was automatic—so being rejected by my own relatives made me believe something was wrong with me. Even knowing their issue was with my parent didn’t stop me from blaming myself. It took years of therapy after leaving the system to unlearn that damage. So when my wife’s sister and her husband asked if they should take in two kids they neither knew nor wanted, I told them the truth: unless they were willing to build a relationship and offer real care, saying yes would hurt the kids more than foster care ever could.
"Foster care is far better than being taken in by family who don't want you."
I explained how damaging it is for a child to live with biological relatives who treat them with indifference or resentment. Kids deserve adults who want them—not people saying yes out of guilt or fear of judgment. I told them taking the siblings in without the intention to bond would be awful for the children, who would internalize that lack of love the same way I did.
"Unless you're willing to work on wanting them, the kids would be better off in foster care."
A friend who overheard the conversation berated me, insisting that foster care is always worse and that indifferent biological relatives are still better. I pushed back—foster care wasn’t perfect, but even my worst placements were less damaging than a year with relatives who didn’t want me. She said I was biased. I said I was speaking from lived experience. Now I’m wondering if I was wrong to say it so bluntly.
🏠 The Aftermath
Right now, my in-laws are still undecided about taking the kids, but they heard my warning clearly. I didn’t tell them not to help—I told them not to do it half-heartedly.
The friend who criticized me thinks I’m downplaying the realities of foster care. I think she’s downplaying what indifference from family can do to a child’s self-worth.
The result is tension between us: they’re weighing their options, and I’m left defending my lived experience against someone who wasn’t there for any of it.
"Being unwanted by family leaves a scar no system could match."
I shared what I did because I don’t want any child to grow up wondering why the people who were supposed to love them didn’t want them around.
💭 Emotional Reflection
This isn’t a story about whether foster care is perfect—it’s about the emotional devastation of being raised by relatives who visibly don’t want you. That rejection can shape a child’s identity for life.
I wasn’t trying to push them toward a choice; I was trying to remind them that kids deserve real love, not reluctant caretakers. If they can offer that, great. If not, foster care might truly be the kinder option.
Reasonable people can disagree, but lived experience matters—and mine taught me that biology alone doesn’t make someone a safe or loving home.
Here’s how the community might see it:
“You spoke from experience. Unwanted family can do real harm—kids deserve more than obligation.”
“Foster care isn’t perfect, but neither is being raised by people who resent your existence.”
“Your honesty might help them decide responsibly. Sugarcoating would’ve been worse.”
Reactions focus on the value of honesty, the complexities of the foster system, and the deep emotional risks of reluctant caregiving.
🌱 Final Thoughts
Family isn’t automatically the safest place for every child, and love can’t be forced. Sharing the truth is sometimes the kindest thing we can do.
Maybe my perspective is shaped by pain—but that pain helps me see what these kids might face if taken in by people who don’t genuinely want them.
What do you think?
Was I too blunt, or was I right to speak from experience? Share your thoughts below 👇
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