AITA for refusing to treat my stepmom like my mom and not forcing my maternal family to include my half siblings?

After my mom died when I was four, my world was split between my maternal family and the new one my dad created. Years later, that divide is still deep—and now I’m being blamed for not “unifying” both sides.

I was 4 when my mom died, and by 7 my dad had remarried and moved me into a new household. Before that, I spent almost every day with my maternal grandparents, aunt, and uncle. After the remarriage, that shifted to mostly staying with my stepmom at home, and I missed my maternal family terribly. Tension grew when my dad pushed for me to call my stepmom “mom” and for her to adopt me. My maternal family wouldn’t support that, and things escalated again when my half brother was born—they never met him because, to them, he wasn’t part of their family, and my dad and stepmom resented that deeply. Eventually, they even tried to stop me from seeing my maternal family entirely until I cried, so they backed down.

I grew up caught between my maternal family—who raised me after my mom died—and my dad and stepmom, who wanted me to treat my stepmom like my only mother and include my half siblings in everything. I couldn’t make everyone happy, and now I’m being blamed for the outcome.

My dad and stepmom expected my maternal family to embrace my half siblings as if they were all biologically related, and when that didn’t happen, they blamed me. Growing up, I was constantly told I should insist my family treat “all of us the same,” even though that was never something a child could control. My half siblings would cry when I visited my grandparents because they weren’t invited, and I ended up being the emotional buffer for everyone’s disappointment.

"They asked me if I really loved my siblings, or if I hated them, just because my family didn’t include them."

My stepmom told me I wasn’t being a good big sister and accused me of not treating everyone equally. She also said I should love her the same as my biological mother because she’s “the only mom I’ve ever really known.” When I told her I didn’t feel that way, she got mad and said it made her want to give up if she would only ever be “the stepmom.” Even now, the younger kids cry when I visit my maternal family alone. My dad and stepmom insist I should put their feelings first and say I failed as a sister.

"They told me I should have been a better sister, and that I should respect them more as parents."

I told them they shouldn’t have put any of this pressure on me when I was a kid, and that it wasn’t my job to fix the rift between adults. My dad said they had six kids to worry about, not just one whose family “told the others to go away,” and that I should understand their point of view. Now I’m wondering if I really handled things wrong—or if I was given an impossible job.

🏠 The Aftermath

The conflict hasn’t gone away—if anything, it’s become part of the family dynamic. My younger half siblings still struggle with the idea that I have a family they’re not included in, and my dad and stepmom continue to frame it as something I should fix.

At home, every visit to my maternal family sparks emotional fallout. My stepmom feels rejected, my dad feels frustrated, and the younger kids don’t fully understand why they can’t come with me.

The long-term consequence is a constant tension between loyalty to my mom’s family and the expectations in my dad’s household—expectations I never had the power to meet in the first place.

"I was a kid caught in the middle while adults insisted I solve a problem they created."

I’m relieved that I still have my maternal family’s support, but it hurts that something as personal as grief and identity has become a battleground for guilt, fairness, and expectations.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This situation isn’t about favoritism—it’s about grief, identity, and the expectations placed on a child to keep the peace between two families who were never going to blend the way my dad hoped.

My stepmom wants unconditional love, my dad wants unity, and my half siblings want inclusion. But none of that changes the fact that my maternal family is tied to the mother I lost, and their relationships don’t extend automatically to every new person in my life.

Reasonable people might say a parent’s rules matter, but others will point out that emotional labor shouldn’t land on a kid who was already navigating loss and change she never asked for.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“Your dad and stepmom expected you to fix a relationship problem they created. That was never your responsibility.”

“Kids shouldn’t be guilted into blending families. It’s okay for your maternal relatives to have boundaries.”

“Your stepmom demanding to be called ‘mom’ after your loss was only going to push you further away.”

Reactions often highlight the pressure you were under, the unrealistic expectations of your dad and stepmom, and the emotional impact of losing your mother so young.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Family doesn’t always blend, and expecting a grieving child to force that unity is unfair. I did what I could, and sometimes that simply wasn’t enough for the adults around me.

Maybe I wasn’t the sister they imagined—but I was a kid doing my best in a situation built on loss and mismatched expectations.

What do you think?
Would you have pushed your family to blend, or accepted the divide and protected your own peace? Share your thoughts below 👇