AITA for refusing to have kids with my boyfriend because he won’t marry me — even though he says time is running out?

We’ve been together seven years and once agreed on marriage and kids — he now wants kids but refuses to marry, and I won’t have children with someone I’m not married to. He’s upset and says his illness means he may not get to see children grow up. I stood firm. AITA?

I (31F) have been dating my boyfriend (33M) for seven years. Early in the relationship we talked about marriage, kids, buying a house — the whole plan. I like children and would be a good mother, but I told him within the first year that I would never have a child with a man I’m not married to; for me marriage is a necessary commitment before bringing kids into the world. He’s always wanted to be a dad, and recently suggested we start trying. I reminded him of my stance and explained why marriage comes first for me.

I’m the partner who will only have children inside marriage — after seven years he admitted he doesn’t want to marry, and although he says his illness makes time urgent, I won’t sacrifice my core value of marriage-first just to meet a deadline.

When I reiterated my value that I wouldn’t have children outside of marriage, he admitted he doesn’t want to get married — he’s worried men are treated unfairly in divorces and doesn’t see marriage as important. I accepted that he doesn’t want to marry, and said we simply wouldn’t have kids or buy a house together if that’s his position; we could remain partners without entangling finances or parenthood. I made clear I wouldn’t marry him just to enable children — I want a partner who truly wants to marry me, not someone who would do it only to have kids.

"I told him I would never have children with a man I’m not married to — marriage comes first for me."

He reacted badly. He accused me of punishing him for not being willing to marry, and became very upset and emotionally distraught. The complication: he has a disease that significantly limits his life expectancy, and he told me that if he doesn’t have kids soon he may not live long enough to see them grow. He said the window is closing and that waiting would probably mean he never gets to be a father.

"He said if he doesn’t have kids ASAP he probably shouldn’t have them at all — he might not be around to see them into adulthood."

I’ve offered him a clear choice: if marriage is not something he wants on principle, then we won’t have children together and I’m not going to compromise my values. If he wants children now more than marriage, he’s free to leave and find someone who’ll have kids without that commitment. He’s been devastated and is pleading with me to reconsider because of his limited time. I’m torn between empathy for his situation and holding firm to my long-stated boundary about marriage before kids.

🏠 The Aftermath

Right now, the relationship is strained. He is emotionally distraught and feels time is against him; I am firm but sympathetic. Practically, we’ve paused any talk of pregnancy or house-buying together. The status quo is uncertain — either he accepts my boundary and we continue without children, or he decides to leave to pursue fatherhood elsewhere.

Consequences include emotional pain for both of us, a likely reassessment of our long-term plans, and the real possibility of the relationship ending if neither side can accept the other’s fundamental stance on marriage and parenthood.

"I said I won’t marry him just so we can have kids — I want marriage to be something he wants for us, not a transaction."

I feel conflicted: I sympathize with his limited time and deep desire to be a dad, but I also feel entitled to my own values and the security marriage represents for me. Either choice will cost us something important.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This is a classic values clash: one partner places marriage as a precondition for parenthood, the other prioritizes the opportunity to become a parent now. Both positions are morally and emotionally valid. For you, marriage is a promise of long-term commitment and security worth waiting for; for him, time-sensitive parenthood tied to his illness is an urgent, deeply felt need.

There’s no easy fix: asking someone to abandon a long-held value for another’s timeframe risks resentment later. Conversely, asking someone to give up the chance to become a parent — especially with a serious health condition in play — is a heavy burden. Open, compassionate communication and possibly counseling could help, but a real resolution requires one side changing a foundational belief or the relationship changing form.

If you’re trying to balance empathy with principles, consider whether there are negotiated compromises that don’t violate core values — for example, exploring options like legal protections, co-parenting agreements, or delayed marriage plans with clear timelines. But those may not satisfy either of you fully.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“You set a boundary early on and you’re entitled to stick to it — don’t marry someone just to give them kids.”

“This is heartbreaking — his illness makes time real. Could there be a legal/contract solution or counseling instead of an ultimatum?”

“Tough call: both deserve to be heard. If neither can bend, the relationship may not survive — but that’s on incompatible life goals, not 'being an asshole.'”

Responses will likely split between respecting personal values and urging compassionate flexibility given the health context. The recurring themes are consent, long-term security, empathy for limited time, and whether foundational expectations can be renegotiated.

🌱 Final Thoughts

You aren’t an AH for keeping a value you established early in the relationship: marriage-first is a legitimate boundary about how you want to raise children. He isn’t an AH for feeling urgent about fatherhood given his illness. The hard truth is many relationships fail not from malice but from incompatible core goals.

If preserving the relationship matters, try mediated conversations or professional counseling to explore realistic options (legal protections, timelines, or alternative parenting arrangements). If those don’t align with both of your needs, parting ways with respect may be kinder than forcing a choice either of you will resent forever.

What would you do?
Would you keep your marriage-first boundary, or make an exception given his illness and urgency? Share your thoughts below 👇