AITA for agreeing to an open relationship, then being caught dating without sharing details?

After agreeing to open our relationship with no talk about dates or partners, my boyfriend found messages on my phone and flipped out—even though he wanted the open arrangement first. Now he’s demanding we close up and I’m left considering if I should walk away.

📖

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over three years, and about six months ago he suggested we open our relationship. Though skeptical at first, I agreed after researching and was told we wouldn’t have to share details about who we dated. I started dating casually, going on one or two dates a month, and even connected regularly with some people also in open relationships.

Things were going well until recently when he found messages from my dating app on my phone. He became furious, accusing me of breaking the trust, though he was the one who proposed the open setup. He admitted he tried dating a younger coworker who misunderstood his advances, and that despite his efforts, he hadn’t been successful. Now he’s demanding we shut down the open relationship immediately.

"He told me if I wasn’t comfortable, we could close things back up."

I suggested maybe we should break up or take a break instead, but he was outraged and said hurtful things. It feels unfair since he initiated the open relationship. Now he’s bombarding me with messages and I’m left unsure how to respond or whether to end things for good.

"He wanted to see if his date with a colleague could lead to leaving me."

I’m torn between respecting his feelings and my own experience in this open dynamic. Communication has broken down now that the ‘no talk’ rule created unrealistic expectations—and the relationship feels shaky.

🏠 The Aftermath

After my boyfriend found my phone, the situation deteriorated quickly. He demanded we close the open relationship immediately, and we’re now at a crossroads with talks of a break or breakup.

I have been left feeling confused and a bit hurt, since this was mutually agreed upon with clear rules, but his reaction feels like control rather than compromise.

The pressure has mounted with his angry messages, and I’m unsure if this relationship can recover or if the trust damage is permanent.