AITA for considering divorce after my husband refused to adopt the daughter he’s raised for 10 years?

My daughter just turned 16 and asked my husband—the man who’s raised her since she was six—to adopt her. He said yes in the moment, but later told me he couldn’t do it because he doesn’t love her like his biological kids. Now I’m heartbroken, my daughter is hurting, and I don’t know what to do.

I had my daughter at 16, and her biological father disappeared early on. When she was six, I met my current husband. He promised he loved her and would treat her like his own. And for a decade, it seemed like he did—we built a family, had more children together, and he was there for every milestone, good and bad. For her 16th birthday, she told me she wanted him to adopt her. It felt perfect. She asked him directly, he said yes through happy tears, and the whole family celebrated. But that same night, he told me he didn’t love her the same as the younger kids and felt adopting her would be unfair to her. He said she could take his last name but he couldn’t be her father “for real.” He felt guilty, told me he’d explain it to her himself, and insisted he’d always treat her well—but not as his child.

I’m a mom watching my daughter’s heart break because the only dad she’s ever known suddenly decided she isn’t really his, and now I’m questioning my marriage and everything I believed about our family.

News traveled fast in our house. My daughter noticed him avoiding her and asked if he actually wanted to adopt her or if he just said yes for show. They ended up taking a drive to talk. I didn’t hear the details, but both came home upset. Since then, she’s stopped calling him dad and now calls him “Mike,” barely speaking to him at all. It crushes her younger siblings, who don’t understand why she suddenly uses his name. My husband looks devastated by it, but as I told him—this was the reality he chose. I’ve been holding the household together, comforting my younger kids, supporting my daughter, and trying to figure out whether my marriage is even salvageable.

"He said he loved her, just not the same — and adopting her would be unfair to everyone."

At first, I tried to choose counseling and repair things because I didn’t want my daughter thinking she caused a divorce or my younger kids resenting her. But seeing her pain, watching her withdraw, and hearing her question whether she still belongs broke something in me. My husband seems upset by the consequences but hasn’t taken real responsibility for the damage he’s caused. I’m tired, numb, and starting to realize I may have to protect my daughter by walking away.

"My daughter stopped calling him dad — isn't that what he wanted?"

The more I think about it, the more I see I made the wrong choice in trying to hold things together at the expense of her heart. I’ve told my husband he needs to fix what he broke, but I’ve also started getting my things in order and looking for lawyers. I’m exhausted as a mom and a wife, but I’m the glue right now—and I don’t know how long I can hold everything together.

🏠 The Aftermath

My daughter is withdrawing emotionally, calling my husband by his first name and distancing herself from someone she once adored. My younger kids are confused and hurting, wondering why their big sister suddenly treats “dad” differently. My husband looks shaken but hasn’t undone the damage of his refusal.

At home, every interaction is tense. My daughter forces herself to go to school, avoids him when she’s home, and barely makes eye contact. My husband claims he feels guilty, but the burden of holding everyone together has fallen entirely on me.

The marriage is cracking. Counseling is on the table, but so is divorce. I’m managing emotional fallout from all sides while trying to protect my daughter’s sense of belonging in a family that suddenly feels unstable.

"I am the glue right now — but I’m starting to break."

I’m exhausted, scared for my daughter’s heart, and wondering whether staying married sends the wrong message about what love and commitment should look like.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This isn’t a simple “stepparents don’t have to adopt” story—it’s about a girl who doesn’t have a father and believed the man who raised her for a decade was truly her dad. It’s also about expectations built over years of bonding, discipline, memories, and trust.

From my perspective, the betrayal isn’t just the refusal—it’s the timing, the avoidance, and the way it shattered her sense of belonging. But I also see how deep emotional expectations can scare someone who wasn’t prepared for the weight of adoption.

There’s no version of this where someone doesn’t get hurt. The question now is whether healing is possible inside this marriage, or whether my daughter’s emotional safety has to come first.

Here’s how the community might see it:

“He had 10 years to decide how he felt. Backing out when she finally asked is devastating.”

“Your daughter needs stability and honesty. If he can’t give her the role he promised, that’s on him.”

“Trying to hold the marriage together shouldn’t come at the cost of your daughter feeling unwanted.”

Most people will understand the heartbreak on all sides, but many will argue that your daughter’s sense of security—and your own trust—should guide your next steps.

🌱 Final Thoughts

This moment cracked open years of assumed family stability, revealing how fragile those bonds can be when words and actions don’t align. Your daughter deserves to feel wanted and secure, not like an exception in her own home.

Whether you choose counseling, separation, or divorce, the priority is helping her heal and making sure she never feels like this was her fault. Your strength as a mother is carrying all of this—but you don’t have to carry it forever.

What do you think?
Would you stay and try to rebuild, or step away to protect your child’s heart? Share your thoughts below 👇